Sooner Die Without
by KnifeAndArrow
Summary: Sonia finds out about her twin daughters' — Sara and Tegan — taboo relationship and intervenes, enabling consequences none of them ever foresaw. QUINCEST.
1. Spilled Over You

"Goddammit, Tegan! Look at me!" Sonia roared at her first born, who was hunched on the peach-coloured leather sofa. Her reddened and tear-sullied face was buried in her trembling hands. She could not look at her mother. Not anymore. Not now that her mother had discovered possibly the darkest and most painful of secrets – a secret she had always planned on taking with her to the grave. _There's no way out of this_, she thought hopelessly and sensed a cutting ache building up in her chest.

"TEGAN!" her mother exploded once again, this time her voice sent frightening vibrations all throughout the living room strewn with pastel colours. Her mother's household was usually inviting, as well as comforting. But today would prove to possibly be the last day such space would be anything but inviting to her.

Tegan tried her very best to pull herself together, but she struggled. She was desperate for calm to whelm her shattered being. She wanted to stop crying. She wanted to be able to talk to her mother. After all, she always saw her mother as one of those friends someone was fortunate to have, especially when they needed someone to turn to when they were at their lowest.

But here she was. The lowest she had ever been in her entire life. Right before her mother whose shouts and flustered movements were doing nothing to appease her. As much as she wanted the waterworks to stop, they just kept coming.

Seeing her daughter, with her hands over her face and sobbing unceasingly, crumbling like an autumn leaf beneath a heavy footstep, Sonia pressed on air with flat hands and took a deep breath. It hadn't occurred to her earlier, but she realized that she needed to be calm in order for Tegan to be, too. At the back of her mind, however, she thought that she couldn't be blamed for the way she reacted. Tegan's secret, one that was shared with her second born, was simply too much to take. It was too much to handle, especially for her. She was _their_ mother. Sonia believed that completely losing it was a reasonable initial reaction to the discovery.

She sat down next to Tegan calmly, her body barely making a sound when it came into contact with the leather sofa. "Tegan… Honey…" Sonia hushed and put a hand on Tegan's back that was starting to dampen with sweat possibly caused by tremendous fear and anxiety. The rage – and disgust – Sonia had felt gradually dissipated upon touching her daughter. At that moment, all she wanted to do was comfort Tegan. Her daughter, although a capable and strong 32 year-old woman, was clearly in great emotional distress; physical pain was also a possibility among the range of sensations Tegan was burdened with. It reminded Sonia of the times when her daughter was 4 years old, shaking in fear against her, whenever she heard malevolent roars coming from the sky during thunderstorms. She wanted to make her daughter feel better – safe, even. But there was still a headstrong part of her that would not let the matter go. There was no way in hell she would let it go.

It took twenty minutes for Tegan's tears to stop deluging her flushed face and for her to finally be pacified. A long moment of calm and quiet was really all that she needed. Within that span of time, Sonia went to the kitchen to pace around for a few minutes, devising a monologue in her head which she would express to Tegan once her daughter had gotten it together and was ready to talk. She also used the time to contact her second born, Sara, who was just as much as involved in the dissonance. It was only sensible that she was there with them, too, even though the revelation took place in her absence. Sara had gone on a day-out with an old friend who was based in Vancouver. Sonia sent her daughter a text message dazed with urgency, telling her to come to her house immediately. _Okay. Be there in 15_ was Sara's reply.

Before returning to the living room with a glass of water for Tegan, Sonia took a moment to ponder on how her twin daughters had gotten themselves into the abysmal pit they were in. As she leaned against the sink right below exquisite off-white kitchen windows, and watched as the Vancouver sunset tint the sky with hues of orange and crimson, she wondered. What had she missed then? What had she done wrong? _I let them be on their own too much_, she thought as she let a single tear trickle down her cheek. She exhaled, shook her head and wiped her cheek. She returned to her daughter who she knew was practically dying on the inside.

Sonia handed Tegan the glass of water and sat next to her. This time, her body language was largely purposeful. She wanted her daughter to know that she was desperate for an explanation. She was already aware of the _who _and the _what_; what she desired to know right at that moment was the _when_, _where_ and _why_.

Tegan took a small sip from the glass. She still had trouble looking at Sonia right in the eye; she couldn't even blink at her direction. She placed the glass on the coffee table, bowed her head and let out a rather heart-wrenching sigh.

"Tegan…" Sonia started, "Talk to me." Tegan finally lifted her head and looked at her mother.

"Mom," Tegan uttered, a clear hesitance in her raspy voice, "Mom, I –" She faltered.

"I need you to tell me _everything_, Tegan." Sonia's head tilted gently, almost as if she was pleading. She wanted her daughter to comprehend that she yearned for an explanation, but she also needed her to know that she was still their mother – one with incomparable compassion, who still loved her in spite of everything and wanted only the best for her and her twin sister.

Tegan closed her eyes and took possibly one of the deepest breaths she had ever taken in the entirety of her life. _This was it_. _The one person whom she and Sara never wanted to cause pain to with their twisted secret, this one person – their mother – was going to know everything. Everything._ In her head, thoughts of what could happen once she laid _everything _out for her mother were swimming, like schools of fish clashing in the depths of a dark ocean. Terrified was an understatement when it came to describing how she felt. Her eyes began to water. But somehow, she managed to blink the tears threatening to trickle away.

"Mom," she said through her breath while looking intently at a spot on the worn-out blue carpet. "Sara and I… We love each other…" Sonia shut her eyes hard for a moment and gave a nod, a signal that she wanted Tegan to continue.

"I'm in – we love each other. I mean, we always have..." Tegan's head descended again and she looked at her hands quivering on her lap. "It was _normal_, _innocent_ love… _At first_, it was. I loved Sara in a way a sister is supposed to love her sister. And I still do, Mom." Her fearful face began to contort and her eyes glassy.

"But you're _in love_ with her now. You have romantic feelings for her." Sonia wanted to somehow make it a bit easier for her daughter. She already knew they were in love; she was no longer oblivious to the fact that they loved each other in a way they were not supposed to. But what she was really desperate for was an explanation. She was eager for Tegan to get to the point, even though she knew that the conversation they were having was anything but uncomplicated.

Tegan nodded and without warning, she began to sob uncontrollably. Her hands found their way to her face again. Sonia gasped and put a hand over her mouth, while the other reflexively gave gentle rubs on Tegan's back. She started to cry with her daughter. Even though she knew that what Tegan felt for her other daughter was ill, wrong and outright scandalous, her innate empathy as a mother made her imagine what Tegan must have been feeling now that the twisted secret was known to her. She moved closer to her daughter and pulled her in for an embrace intended to soothe not just Tegan, but her as well.

Tegan held her mother and cried into her shoulder. Her sobs were heavy with fear and shame. "I – I'm – I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Mom. I – I…" Her cries were so anguished that she had trouble talking – breathing, even.

Sonia looked up at the ceiling and tried to contain the increasing tears from flooding her face. "Shhh… Just. Tegan, just…" she murmured. "I don't want you to hurt each other. Don't do this to each other, Tegan." Sonia felt the need to finally let it out. Drawing an explanation out of Tegan was no longer the agenda. Setting things straight regarding what she wanted to happen to them and what she wanted for them – saving them, basically – was what she believed was most important.

She was greatly aware that her words were capable of crushing her daughter, whom she was still holding and trying to comfort. But she had to say it. As _their_ mother, she knew that there would be no happy ending for them if they continued their taboo relationship. Moreover, she wanted her to know that she was not going to condone it – let alone _accept_ it. Sure, she had allowed them to make their own decisions at a very early age; she let them be whoever they wanted, let them do whatever it was that made them happy and made them feel fulfilled; but not this time. She put it out there, what she believed was best for them. And what was best for them was to end what they had _for good_.

"You hear me, Tegan? Don't do this. Don't do this to me. It's got to stop. It just has to," Sonia whimpered softly, but with an apparent sternness in her voice. She pushed the lower half of her face into her daughter's dishevelled locks, a gesture that said: _It's going to be okay. I'm here to make it all better for you and Sara. But what you have going on is waiting to become a tragedy, that's why it has to stop._

Tegan could not say anything. She buried her face deeper in the crook of her mother's neck and went on sobbing like a young child whose doll had just been taken away from her. The agony in her cries had multiplied upon hearing her mother's firm words, and the feeling of wanting to die literally was gradually taking over. She knew she could not let go of Sara. She loved her twin sister with every bit of her. She believed resolutely that they were conceived together so that they could be together for the rest of their lives; for her, they were _made for each other_. The potential demise of the music career they worked so hard for did not even occur to her. All that mattered to her was being with Sara. As she had promised her long ago – through thick and thin – she was going to stay with her twin sister, who was the love of her life and _her soulmate_.

Deep inside her, however, was also an understanding that she could not defy her mother. No matter how painful it was. Furthermore, Sonia was right. Although she refused to accept it, she knew that she and Sara really were a tragedy waiting to happen.

As mother and daughter held each other – the former quietly weeping and the latter bawling with all her might – the front door opened raucously. There was a pause before the door clicked shut with barely a sound. From the foyer and into the dim and sullen living room emerged Sara. Her facial expression was nothing short of bewildered and her eyes were immediately glossed with worry.

"Mom?" she said in a reluctant tone, anxiously eyeing the two women who mattered most to her huddled on the sofa. Sonia raised her head and her red, wet eyes met those of her second born. "Mom, what's going on?" Sara mumbled; fear was building up within her. She looked at Tegan, whose face was still in the crook of Sonia's neck.

"Sara," Sonia gestured for her to take a seat on the black La-Z Boy across the sofa, "We have to talk about something."

Tegan slowly looked up when her sister's name rung in her ears. She was whimpering, her breaths laboured and her face far from what it had looked like when she arrived in her mother's home earlier that noon. Sara's eyes widened upon seeing the sorrow plastered on the face identical to her own. Tegan's expression implied: _Please don't leave me. No matter what happens, stay with me._ A lump was forming in her throat as she remembered what her mother had said. They had to talk about _something_.

Sara was someone who possessed an alert rationale. She was also gifted when it came to reading body language. Thus, she picked up on the entire situation in a matter of seconds. Basing on the manner her mother spoke to her, and the pitiful condition her sister was in, Sara knew. She knew that their mother finally knew. The mere thought made her stomach churn and her head spin on the spot.

She broke eye contact with her sister and turned away so as to avoid seeing her mother's face. "I – I…" she fumbled and paced around.

Sonia let go of Tegan, who immediately distanced herself from her mother. Sonia faced Sara full-on. She appeared unrelenting but visibly upset, "Sara, I know you and your sister have been –"

Before Sonia could even continue her sentence, Sara pivoted frantically on her heel and went for the door. "Oh my god! I – I can't do this. I – I'm – I'm s – so sorry." she exclaimed as she hurriedly turned the knob and stormed out of her mother's home.

The door slammed shut and the sound was enough to drive Tegan to quickly get up and be on her feet. A stunned demeanour became evident on Sonia's face. Tegan darted for the same exit her sister used seconds earlier to do what had always been easy for her whenever she was in a difficult situation – escape.

"Tegan! Where are you going?!" Sonia stood up and shakily put a hand on her waist. She was tempted to follow suit, but the tightening sensation in her chest prevented her from doing so.

"I'm going after her."


	2. No Hissy Fits

Sara powerwalked aimlessly around the neighbourhood her mother lived in. It was her goal to get as far away as possible from her mother's house. She prayed for a cab to drive by and take her to a place so isolated, that not even birds could land droppings on her. But there was no sign of a cab. A few private vehicles cruised by, and each of their drivers peered at her from inside. Her troubled disposition became increasingly apparent. The way she was carrying herself enabled anyone who saw her to presume that she was running away from something. _And she was._

She eventually found herself in a quiet street lined with oak trees. The area was located east from her mother's house. It took her relatively ten minutes to arrive in that part of the suburb. The colour of the sky had turned into a dark indigo and stars were beginning to make an appearance. It was going to be a beautiful and still night. The feelings that stirred within Sara, however, were the complete opposite.

Behind several of the Colonial Dutch-themed houses on the street was an expanse that consisted mainly of greenery and more gigantic trees. It was not exactly a park, but Sara eyed a decrepit-looking bench that sat oddly in the middle of the field and in the darkness. She decided to make for it since a stinging pain was starting to develop in both of her feet. She strolled towards the bench with her hands inside the pockets of her black parka, her eyes focused on the wet grass she was treading on. Just as when she was starting to try and make sense of things in her head, a hand gripped her shoulder abruptly.

"Sara." It was Tegan. She still looked like the mess she was when Sara walked in and then out on them, only her tears were gone. But her eyes still red and her face pale.

Sara, startled, glared at her sister and shrugged Tegan's hand off of her shoulder. For some reason – one she could not put a finger on at that moment – she felt resentment building up at the centre of her chest. The budding bitterness was leaning towards her sister, who looked at her with pleading eyes. She turned away coldly and continued to make for the bench that was a few meters away.

Tegan sighed. She anticipated then and there that Sara would put all the blame on her. But she understood. It really had been her fault. Sara had always been careful – extra careful, in fact. It was her carelessness that had fucked everything up. She was more than willing to take Sara lashing out on her, not just because she was to blame, but mainly because she loved her. She stood at the spot where her sister had left her and tried to pull herself together. _Be mad at me. Just don't leave me,_ she thought and took a deep breath. She began walking towards the rickety bench where Sara had seated herself.

The night sky had gone from indigo to a deep cobalt hue. Sara skimmed her surroundings as she tried to compose herself; she was readying the things she was going to say to her sister and was also bracing herself for what Tegan was bound to say to her. She thought it was a good thing that no one was able to see them. There were yellow lights from the lamp posts that lined the sidewalk some meters away, but the luminosity was incapable of reaching them. Sara and Tegan were unknown figures in the darkness of the dewy field, entities about to sort out an even darker predicament.

Tegan halted right in front of her sister. She sighed heavily. "Sara."

Sara refused to look at Tegan as the bitterness within her continued to grow. She crossed her arms against her chest, put one leg over the other and bit her trembling lip.

"Baby, please." Tegan reached out, but Sara quickly deflected.

"Don't call me that."

Tegan retracted and ran both her hands fretfully through her tousled, sweat-infused dark brown mane. She sat down next to her sister and tried again. This time she started to tear up, "Please."

"How did mom find out?" Sara uttered impassively, "How the fuck did she find out, Tegan?"

Because she had already expected her sister to strike out on her, Tegan held her tears back, breathed deeply and sat up. She knew that if she was going to let her feebleness take over her like she did with her mother, it would only fuel Sara's taciturn and relentless treatment towards her. Sara was insensitive like that, and she was only like that when it came to Tegan.

"She found your letter." Tegan answered Sara without looking at her.

"What letter? Which one? Why the fuck would you have it lying around for her to see?!"

"I didn't – I – It wasn't lying around!" Tegan's voice had raised, her frustration threatening to make her tear up again.

"Then how? How was she able to find my letter and fucking read it?!"

"I left my bag in the kitchen. I brought the letter you sent to me a month ago. She –" Tegan paused and started to rub her temple. A part of Sara wanted to touch her sister, who was clearly more distressed than she was. She secretly urged to comfort Tegan. After all, Tegan had to go through the hellish confrontation with their mother – something that would have been unbearable for her. But she refused to give up her cold façade.

"She – Th–the letter was in my bag, Sara. I don't know why she would, but she must've looked through my things and found it."

Sara was puzzled, "Why would you carry a letter I sent you a month ago around? Why?"

Tegan slumped and her head descended. She rested her elbows just above her knees. The thought of how much she loved Sara somehow invaded her mind and her chest heated. "I always bring your letters with me wherever I go." Her tone was soft, and there was hopelessness to it, but it was full of love. Her voice had always been coated with a fervent adoration whenever she spoke to her sister.

"Why?" Sara's tears were making themselves known as she was beginning to soften up.

"Because Sar… I like to be reminded of you wherever I go."

At that, Sara broke down. Tears of guilt, shame and fear – tears she was desperately trying to hold back – streamed down her face like rain running copiously on the glass of a window amidst a storm. She started to cry the same way Tegan did in Sonia's arms, only no human warmth was wrapped around her. She put one hand over her mouth to suppress the whimpers fighting their way out. It was the first time Tegan had told her that she liked to be reminded of Sara wherever she was.

The idea of Tegan devotedly safekeeping her letters – ranging from long, manuscript-like declarations of love to sweet, poetic notes to piqued rants – moved her, especially since they were almost _always_ physically together, thanks to the career path they had chosen. Besides the idea softening her up, it also put her in a state of confusion. But then she came to a realization – a fact that was basically a staple in their lives and in their relationship. _She really is needy_, Sara mused, attempting to incorporate a bit of humour into the obscurity of the entire situation.

Tegan turned to Sara and moved closer. Without hesitating, she encompassed her with the human warmth she needed. Her eyes watered up again, "I love you, Sara. I love you so much."

Sara did not have it in her to respond. All she wanted to do was cry, and she did not fight Tegan's hold on her like she usually did when they were in such despondent conditions. She wanted to feel her sister against her, as if she would never be graced with such warmth ever again. She took in Tegan's comforting scent which was borne from the natural aroma of her body and her sweet vanilla-lavender perfume combined.

Sara realized that she had undervalued Tegan's strength too much. Tegan was the one who had to deal with the immense difficulty of being confronted by their mother. Moreover, she walked out on her – a move that would have devastated her if Tegan had done it to her. But here was Tegan, just as scared and shattered as she was – if not more so – trying to assure her that everything was going to be okay.

But deep within, Sara knew better, and the pang of reality made itself recognized. There was no way things were going to be okay. The impossibility of it all was just too palpable. Along with her being greatly logical, she was also a realist. Thinking about what she was going to do right at that moment pained her tremendously. Her chest tightened. _I don't want to hurt you, Tegan. But I can't hurt our mother either. We can't hurt her. _Penitently, she slowly pulled away from her sister's grip, "We're through, Tegan."

A sinking feeling rose within Tegan. She searched Sara's face for a sign that there was no seriousness whatsoever to what had just come out of her mouth, that it was all impulse getting the best of her. She looked intently at Sara, dumbfounded, "What?"

"We – we – we are done. We're through."

Tegan felt as if her heart was being speared slowly, ruthlessly with thick needles, "You – you can't be serious."

"Mom knows, Tegan! She fucking knows! What're you expecting, that she'll walk us both down the aisle to our happily-ever-after?!"

Even before she could process what Sara had just candidly and callously bellowed, tears already flooded her face, "Sara, please! Don't do this!"

Sara stood up and quickly steadied herself as her knees wobbled like gelatine. "Tegan! _Mom knows_! _This_ – whatever the fuck this is we have going on – it's already fucked up as it is!" she gestured back and forth to Tegan and herself with her hand, "And now that Mom knows, it's even more fucked up! I – I can't live with that! Neither should you! And neither should our own mother!"

Tegan tried to block Sara's words from entering her ears and making their way into her already-blurred state of mind. She did not want to let go. With every fibre of her being, she refused to.

"And dad! If he found out – if he… God! And if everyone else found out! Fuck!" Sara had lost it relatively the same way their mother did earlier when she confronted Tegan. She gawped at her sister, tears continued to trickle down her face. She rubbed her forehead with one hand, trying to calm herself down, "We can't do this anymore, Tee."

Tegan's facial expression had turned void and disoriented. _We can't do this anymore._ The sentence echoed painfully in her ears, and it nipped at her already-wounded heart. She shut her eyes tight, soft caramel orbs drained from crying, as she let what was to be the remainder of her tears flow freely. _I love you so much and I would do anything for you. I'd fight for you. But then again I've always fought for you – for us. Throughout the 32 years we've been together… When will it be your turn?_ Tegan brooded over in her mind, which was starting to clear up. She accepted that the words that came out of Sara's mouth were truth, and the truth could not be altered. This was the end – _their_ end.

"Okay. Okay, Sara." She said calmly.

"I'm sorry, Tegan." Sara cried and put her hand over her mouth as she wept.

"No, no… Don't be. You're right."

There was a fleeting pause in which all that could be heard were the faint chirping of crickets that hid in the nearby bushes, and Sara's whimpering. Tegan was no longer crying. She got up slowly and tucked a hand into the pocket of her blue jeans, "I don't suppose we're breaking up the band too, huh?"

Sara's mouth dropped open slightly. She had not thought of such dire consequence that along with the end of their forbidden relationship was also the detrimental downfall of the music career they toiled to establish for more than half of their lives. After all that had happened, it was simply too impossible for them to continue working together as merelyband mates, business partners or even as _sisters_. Furthermore, Sara knew that their mother would not allow them to continue making music and carry out tours if they did not spend a considerable period of time apart – a year or years even, if necessary, in order to try and recover from everything.

But Sara knew there would be no recovering, at least on her end. To assure herself that she would get over Tegan in due time was her just bullshitting herself. Yes, Sara was the logical, introverted and thick-skinned twin who rarely made her affection for her sister visible to those from the outside looking in. But her love for Tegan was just as deep and unquestionable as the love Tegan had for her. The only struggle she had was fear; she was afraid to fight for her love – _their_ love.

"Tegan, I don't – I –" Sara tripped over her tongue and was caught off guard when Tegan grabbed her by the waist and leaned in pressing her lips on Sara's.

The older twin kissed the younger one fervently, taking the petal-soft lips into her warm mouth. Sara whimpered into Tegan's mouth. She took her sister's face with her shuddering hands and pulled her in closer. She kissed back hard, with equal intensity, because she knew she would never get to again. Tegan's hold on her was constricting, her arm wrapped around Sara's small waist while her hand caressed her nape. Their eclipsed figures fluxed together like shadows blending in with night.

At that moment, Sara wanted to melt right into Tegan. She wanted them to become _one_, like they should have been from the moment they were born. If they were one person, there was no doubt that the cruel, disapproving world would accept them. She felt tears wet her face and that of her sister's as she began to massage her tongue against her identical counterpart's own. She wanted desperately for their kiss to go on forever; to be frozen in that position with her soulmate until the end of time. But holding on to such hopeless desire was just another means of bullshitting herself.

Tegan broke their kiss and released Sara from her grip. She looked deeply into Sara's eyes for what she believed would be the last time, and began to back away.

"Tegan, I love you." Sara breathed miserably, her voice weak.

"Not as much as I love you, Sara." Tegan said shaking her head subtly and gave a pained smile to the only person she ever loved and fought for the way she did. She was left with no other choice but to turn her back and walk away.

And she did.

Tegan cried silently as she savoured the remnants of her sister's taste in her mouth, and Sara did the same. The shadowed figures that lingered in the vacant field began to part, uncertainty as dark but not as beautiful as the night brooding them.


	3. Run Around On Me

**1985**

"Kiss your daddy _bye-bye_, girls." Sonia told her vivacious 4 year-old going on 5 twin daughters, Sara and Tegan.

She gestured for them to go up to their father, Stephen, who stood by his severely rundown sky blue station wagon, leaning against the door to the driver's seat. He cleaned up pretty well wearing a black round-neck shirt, his best pair of jeans and sleekly-polished timber brown leather boots, and a spunky pair of aviator sunglasses resting on his head. He had made it a point to look good, as he was bound to start fresh all by himself – a new apartment near the metropolitan area, a new job and quite possibly a new ride that would replace the junk he had been stuck with even before his marriage to Sonia. It was also apparent that he looked forward to the idea of a new woman.

Sara and Tegan, who were both clad in corduroy overalls, Sara in orange and Tegan in blue; with their brunette tresses tied into charming pigtails, bounced their way to their daddy. Stephen crouched with smiling eyes and opened his buff arms wide for his two girls, "Come here, you little suckers, you!" He chortled as he took both Sara and Tegan in for a hearty and prolonged hug. He eyed his now-ex-wife, Sonia, as he held his daughters. She smiled at him faintly from the porch of their modest Calgary home.

Tegan gave her father a peck on the cheek, "When are we _gunna_ see you again?"

Sara followed suit and pressed her lips on the other side of her father's face, "Are you not going to come back, Daddy?"

"Oh Sara, Tegan… Of course I'm coming back. I'll be here on the weekends to pick you up and take you places!" Stephen answered them reassuringly as he looked at their puzzled but endearing identical faces. He knew that they were going to wonder, possibly endlessly, where he was headed and why he would no longer be living under the same roof with them. He pulled them in for another embrace, one that intended to tell them that he was not going anywhere and that even though they were going to be apart, he would always be there for them, "I love you, Sara and Tegan. I love you, Babies..."

"I love you too, Daddy." Sara and Tegan muttered simultaneously in their tiny, sugary voices.

Moments later, Stephen revved the engine of his automobile and rolled his window down. Sara and Tegan had gone back up to join their mother on the porch. Although they were meters apart, Sonia and her ex-husband gazed at each other. It was as if they were looking into the memories they once shared in each other's eyes. It hurt Sonia that they ended the way they did. But she accepted it, because she knew it was all for the best – for her, for him and most importantly, for their daughters.

Sonia waved at him and flashed a smile that said _good luck and be happy_. Sara and Tegan beamed at their daddy, their small, rosy hands flailing in the air.

"Behave, girls!" Stephen waved at his daughters, "You too, Sonia." He laughed and winked at his ex-wife who merely giggled and shook her head. He then drove away like a teenage rebel aiming for freedom the Alberta sunset had in store for him.

"Get inside, girls." Sonia said to Sara and Tegan as she held the front door open for them. The giddy toddlers scurried into the house without contest. Sonia followed and shut the door behind her. She exhaled as she watched her daughters make their way into the living room where they had been busy doodling and playing with their art materials before they went out to say goodbye to their father.

_This is going to be tough. _Sonia pondered as she pressed on her sides gently and closed her eyes. Thoughts of how she was going to provide for her daughters raced in her mind; of how she was going to raise them as a 27 year-old whose responsibilities were piling up day after day. _It will be tough. But you're tougher. You'll get it together and before you know it, they'll be doing better than you are right now when they're your age. Just be there for them no matter what. _She decided to hold onto that hope. For her, it sufficed as encouragement for her to be a good mother to Sara and Tegan.

"ROMPER ROOM!" the twins shrieked and startled Sonia out of the reflective state she was in. She strode to the living room and found her daughters lying on their stomachs with their elbows planted on the tan carpet and their chubby, pink faces held by their hands. Their zealous eyes were fixed on the television set as their favourite program began.

Their mother observed them with folded arms, a gratified smile forming on her face. _Having them with me is more than enough_, Sonia thought. Her eyes then shifted to the drawings the twins had managed to create using crayons. They were scattered on the other side of the living room. She went over to the area with the intention of arranging the materials since the clutter began to bother her slightly.

As she picked up each of the unique illustrations carefully, one particular drawing caught her eye – one Sara had drawn. It was a picture of the twins; Sara was drawn in red and Tegan in purple. The twins were smiling and holding hands in the picture. An _S_ was scribbled above Sara's figure and a _T_ above Tegan's. The stick figures were situated in what Sonia believed to be a field or meadow, basing on the thick green shading that surrounded their funny feet. An orange-yellow sun also shone brightly on the upper corner of the paper.

Sonia halted what she was doing and looked at her twin daughters; Sara had draped an arm around Tegan as they laughed together at the dancing mascots. She was whelmed with a sense of relief. _Always stick together, Sara and Tegan_.

At the back of her mind, there was no doubt. She was confident that they would. _Always._

**1995**

"I fucking hate you, Tegan! Go shimmy off a cliff, you stealing bitch!" Sara yelled as she banged the door to her twin sister's bedroom with her fist, "Open the door and give me back my shirt!" she made attempts at the locked knob again and again, hoping it would give in to the force she was exhausting as she twisted it.

Inside her room, Tegan sat on the floor clutching Sara's beloved dark grey Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt. Her long, wavy hair was in a messy but tight bun, and she sported a flimsy white top, tight gym shorts and knee-high socks that did not match. She had trouble contemplating whether or not she was going to return the piece of clothing to her sister. Because for one, Sara's spiteful cussing and banging on the door was getting on her nerves; and second, she only wanted to borrow it. But Sara refused, which was why she was tempted to take it without her knowing.

"What on earth is going on?" Sonia emerged from the dark basement, carrying a laundry basket filled with clean clothes and linen. She was happy to finally see the late morning sun shining, its glare penetrating the living room through the windows. However, she was flustered to find Sara pounding on the door to Tegan's room, "Sara, keep it down, will you? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Tegan – she took my shirt! And she won't give it back!" Sara answered her mother irately.

Sonia walked towards the door as her second born started to back away. She knocked gently, "Give the shirt back to your sister, Tegan."

"What does she need it for anyway? She's not going anywhere today!" Tegan shouted, frustration rising in her voice.

"Actually, I am going somewhere today." Sara retorted crossing her arms.

Her mother's attention shifted to her, "Oh. Where are you going?"

"Me and Candy are going out – We're going bowling, I mean,"

"Who's Candy?" Sonia inquired probingly, scrutinizing Sara from head to toe. She was wearing her stepfather's old Metallica shirt with the sleeves cut off and dark-coloured flannel pyjama pants. Her hair, which was the same length as her twin's, cascaded freely down to her waist. There was something about Sara of late that intrigued Sonia.

Tegan discarded Sara's shirt and padded towards the door. She pressed an ear gently against the wooden surface and listened in on her mother and sister.

"This girl… She's my friend. She tried out for the hockey team two weeks ago." Tegan heard Sara answer their mother.

"Hmmm… And do you have money to go out today?"

"Yeah, I still have some left from my allowance this week."

"Well, okay. Just don't stay out too late." Sonia tapped on the door again, surprising Tegan who jumped on the spot, "Come on, Tegan. Your sister's going bowling. You need to give her the shirt back." She gradually made her way to the master bedroom, confident that Tegan was going to open the door and hand the shirt to Sara with no trouble.

For some odd reason, Tegan found herself scowling hard as she stared at the Smashing Pumpkins shirt ruffled on the floor, and her eyes started to well with tears. She knew that the Candy girl her sister had just talked about to their mother was not just a "friend." The thought had Tegan clenching her fists. She was _disgusted_. In the last few months, her friends at school had been raving about Sara being a lesbian. She had always wanted to confront Sara about it all, but she was terrified of the awkwardness that threatened to shroud them if they had that kind of conversation. Instead, she began developing twisted pictures in her mind – pictures of her twin sister fucking girls – different types, as Sara had always been experimental. It made her sick to her stomach.

Right at the core of her entire being, however, she could not deny the fact that she was _jealous_. Her heart was contaminated with fumes of jealousy caused by the greatly overpowering but immoral love she had for her own twin sister. It was a love she tried so hard to stop, to forget and conceal – a love she could not help. _She's yours, Tegan_, Jealousy whispered to her, _yours and no one else's._

Tegan stomped to the desk situated at the corner of her room, and got a pen and a small piece of paper. She furiously wrote one word in capital letters, and then went to pick Sara's shirt up from the floor. Taking a deep breath, Tegan opened the door gruffly and shoved the shirt and piece of paper to her sister, who was stunned. Sara's astonishment was multiplied instantly when Tegan slammed the door in her face.

_What the fuck?_ Sara practically exclaimed in her head. She ogled the shirt in her hands, as well as the piece of paper. An unpleasant sensation sprouted in the pit of her stomach when she held the note up. _DYKE_, it said. Sara shook the sensation off and headed to her own bedroom across the hall.

Tegan had been lying in her bed for an hour when she finally heard Sara's bedroom door open and then close. She had consumed the time thinking about a number of different things, but most of her thoughts were about Sara. She propped herself up on her elbows and stared at the door, listening to the movements of her sister. She began to space out, when all of a sudden a piece of paper was inserted through the crevice below the wooden door.

Rattled footsteps quickly made their way to the front door, which opened and then slammed shut. Sara had left. Tegan got up and crawled across the bed. She reached for the paper that wasn't too far from her. She picked it up and looked at it immediately. Her eyes ceaselessly expelled tears upon the sight of the text written on the paper, which she angrily crumpled and threw across the room.

_I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS. HAVE A MISERABLE DAY!_

Tegan pushed her face into her pillow and cried herself to an afternoon's sleep.

Night had fallen when Sonia entered Tegan's bedroom, bringing with her a neat pile of her daughter's freshly-laundered clothes. She placed the pile at the end of Tegan's bed and walked over to the bedside table where a lamp was placed. She turned it on and looked over to her slumbering 14 year-old. Sonia heaved a sigh when she saw her daughter's face, Tegan's eyes were puffy and her thick bun of chocolate hair had loosened completely. She slept peacefully, yet a sense of turmoil beneath the surface was evident.

Sonia got up and began to walk towards the door. A crinkling sound reached her ears as she touched the knob. She had stepped on a piece of paper thoroughly crumpled into a ball. She picked it up and took a few steps towards the trash bin beside the desk. Instead of tossing it right in, she smoothened the paper out to see what was written on it. Her intuition had somehow insisted.

She sighed and shook her head sadly when she saw the horrible words she knew were written by Sara. As she crushed the paper again and threw it in the bin, she looked at Tegan and wished that an apologetic Sara was there next to her, keeping Tegan's sleeping form company.

_Your sister's sorry, Tegan._ Sonia ruminated and quietly walked out of her daughter's bedroom.

**2013**

_Well, I've tried so hard Baby, but I just can't see,_

_What a woman like you is doing with me._

_So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes,_

_Is that you Baby or just a brilliant disguise?_

_Hi._

_I've been at it with that song for hours now. Stacy is getting pretty pissed as I'm writing this, because the song's playing at full blast. She's asked me to turn the stereo off a couple of times, but I've just been ignoring her. Plus, it's on repeat, so I can't really blame her. Haha… Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm writing you. I mean, it's only been two weeks since I last saw you. But I can't help it. I miss you a ton..._

_Did I ever tell you that you have this really bizarre effect on me? I probably have. Haha… But let me tell you again... The simple thought of you just elates me. It's crazy, really. I mean, after 32 years… You still get me. Every. Single. Time. You're not even here with me right now, but just thinking about you drives me nuts. Bizarre, isn't it? I'm certain you think so too. And I sure as hell hope I have the same effect on you. Though I already think I do._

_I can't wait until I see you again… In all honesty, that's really all I wanted to convey to you in this letter. Springtime here is beautiful. I don't think I can ever get used to New York being so perfect during the spring season. I asked Stacy to go for a walk with me in Central Park yesterday, but Rachel needed her to take care of some things uptown. So, I ended up staying here all day. All I did was miss you. Other than that, I tried to bake cream cheese cookies, but the furthest I ever got with that endeavour was reread the box that stored the ready-to-mix batter over and over. Haha... Also, I kinda waited for you to (or hoped that you would) call me, but you didn't. That's okay._

_Two more weeks to go… If I could book a ticket to Vancouver right now, I would. No doubt about that. But Stacy has been saying she's missed me and that she needs my company right now. I guess I'll just have to oblige. She's been really sweet and nice. It's the least I could do. Besides, distance between us sometimes is somewhat beneficial, right? Ah fuck. Who am I kidding… I miss you. Everything about you. I miss you more than I'll ever miss any other thing there is to miss._

_You're perfect, Tegan… Tell me, what's a woman like you doing with me? Haha... I sound so fucking ridiculous._

_Anyway, I'll leave it at this. Write me back if you can or if you want to. I'll see you very soon. I love you, Baby._

_Yours Forever,_

_Sara_

_P.S. Along with this letter is a receipt… AND YOU'RE WELCOME. ;)_

The silken white paper quivered in Sonia's grip. Her almond eyes widened and thick breaths were involuntarily exhaled from her mouth. Opening the envelope that fell out of Tegan's black leather tote bag along with her other things when it had tumbled to the kitchen floor from the marble counter may have been among the worst of her decisions – or the best. She didn't know. It was difficult to know. The entire situation was unreal, and everything around her began to feel horrifyingly surreal.

_The letter is for Tegan. And Sara wrote the letter._ _This is Sara's handwriting. _She tried putting it all together, attempting to come up with a feasible explanation – one that would prevent her from fainting then and there. _I love you, Baby._ She reread the powerful sentence and then moved to the signature below. _Yours Forever, Sara._

At that instant, Sonia wished she was in a reality show. She expected to be part of a scenario that had been planned by her twin daughters. She then expected the sudden appearance of a mischievous cameraman and then the host. She literally browsed her kitchen looking for hidden cameras. But there weren't any. This was not a reality show. This was reality – a fucked up one, at that.

Sonia closed her eyes and tried to breathe steadily. She brought the paper to her chest, crinkling it. She refused to let the _fact_ sink in, at least not until Tegan had gotten back from the bathroom and perhaps did some much needed explaining. _Are Sara and Tegan – my daughters – in an incestuous relationship?_ The perturbing question – one she never thought she would ask herself – menaced her whole being as she sat weakly on the stool.

She had put the contents of Tegan's bag back to their place, but the envelope which contained the letter still sat on the counter. It was still within her reach. She scanned the letter again and sighted the last line that ended with a wink. _A receipt._

Sonia reached for the envelope and opened it. Sure enough, there was a thin, lilac-coloured piece of paper inside. She did not notice it when she first opened the envelope. The receipt had been issued by a store in New York called _Eve's Garden_. She eyed the details on the receipt and even before she could process all that had been stated on it, she felt herself wanting to hurl. Sara had purchased a sex toy. What she was going to do with it and why she had included the receipt which attested to its purchase in the letter she sent to her own sister, Sonia did not want to know. She did not want to imagine. But deep in her gut, she knew it was all denial talking.

Tegan exited the perfumed bathroom of her mother's house. She wiped her hands on her jeans and strode casually to the kitchen where she knew her mother was. Sonia had offered her some of the vegetable lasagne she and her boyfriend had for dinner the previous night. She had been in the process of heating two hefty servings when Tegan left her to use the bathroom.

The second Tegan stepped into the kitchen, her mouth dropped open and her heart thumped so violently that she felt like it was going to jump right out of her chest. Seeing her mother holding something that was meant for _her eyes only_ left her speechless.

"Tegan, what is this?" Sonia asked her daughter as she brandished the piece of paper. Her tone was low, but it was evident that she was holding back the negativity that yearned to be released.

Tegan did not answer. She simply couldn't. She just stood there, dumbfounded, watching the letter gradually being destroyed by her mother's grasp.

"What is this, Tegan? Are you and Sara – " Sonia struggled to voice out the question that had been brooding her the moment she read the letter, "Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing with your own sister… Are you and Sara sleeping with each other?"

Tegan felt her body start to shake apprehensively. Everything her mother had just said suffocated her, and she needed to get out of the space herself and Sonia shared. She bolted out of the kitchen and into the living room where she tried to regain her composure and her breath.

Sonia discarded the piece of paper and left it on the counter. She went after Tegan. Once, she and her daughter met each other in the living room, all of her questions and thoughts burst out of her like bubbling soda erupting heatedly out of a bottle. She outraged on her first born, shouting with hands that gestured agitatedly. Her daughter just sat there, on the sofa, hands over her face that was starting to get wet from a surge of frightened tears.

Staring out to the street with her hands on her hips, Sonia paused from berating Tegan to catch her breath. She recalled the many times she had found letters and notes her daughters wrote for each other when they were teenagers. Majority of such were usually soiled with sisterly scorn and even blatant hate. Then she remembered the one letter she never would have imagined either of them to write to each other.

She shut her eyes firmly. At that moment, she wished that they would regress back to the Sara and Tegan who once hated each other. To her, that particular nature of their relationship seemed better. It was untainted and _normal_ – the way things should be between siblings.

The heavy distress reappeared, and Sonia felt the urge to lash out on her first born, "Goddamit, Tegan! Look at me!"


	4. Rattled, Yes It's True

"It's posted." Emy pronounced to Tegan, who sat behind her on the black suede couch, a vacant look plastered on her face. Tegan remained quiet. It was as if their art director and long-time friend, not to mention Sara's ex-wife, had not spoken at all.

Emy zipped up her yellow jacket as she stared at the illumined screen of her MacBook and waited for a response. The _Tegan and Sara _management office was hollow and frigid. Most of the tables had been vacated, and cardboard boxes of different sizes were all over the place. Fanmail, majority of which had been unread and unnoticed were stacked up at the far corner of the room.

On a long, rectangular table situated below a vast sliding window was a tray containing morsels of chocolate cake which had clearly been ravaged. There were also two empty bottles of cheap merlot. Someone had brought the cake and wine to the office that afternoon as a way of obliging to the requests of the other employees. They had wanted a "farewell party."

Tegan and Emy were the only ones left in the wide, vacant space. The night had turned extremely rainy to the point of stormy. Everyone else had left, and needless to say, their departure was for good. Emy swivelled the office chair she was sitting on and wheeled her way to Tegan, whose hands were folded in her lap. The look on her face, which was a merger between daze and contemplation, was still there.

"Hey." Emy tapped her knee gently, "It's on the site, Tegan."

Tegan looked at Emy with eyes that mirrored emptiness. She nodded uncertainly, and turned away.

"Tegan?" Emy wanted to make an attempt at bringing the state of mind Tegan had back when she spoke to her earlier.

She had been more available then, even though there was something about her that seemed limited. She dictated each sentence to Emy, who typed everything that came out of her mouth cooperatively and without question. Even though it hurt and disconcerted her, Emy obliged because Tegan – her employer, her friend of many valuable years and unbeknownst to her, her ex-wife's _now_ _former_ lover – asked her to do so.

Emy flew in from Montreal that afternoon. One week prior, she had been informed by Kim, an employee who had worked for the management for five years that the twins had called it quits. The news had Emy choking on the salad she was eating for lunch that day when it was transferred to her ear through her iPhone. At first, she thought it was some kind of sick joke – like an April Fools type of prank that both Tegan and Sara had schemed. But then she realized it was too early for April Fools. Plus, the sisters rarely took the notion of disbanding lightly, so why would they take it to the level of a pointless gag?

She incited clarification from Kim, who regretfully obliged. Kim explained to her that the twins were dealing with extremely weighty personal issues, and that it was Tegan who asked her and other trusted employees to break the news to people who had to and deserved to know. _Personal issues_, Emy contemplated with her brows stitched together.

There had been a lot of that in the past, and Emy witnessed a great number of them. She was even involved in some. But never, in the many years that she had known the twins, did she expect them to actually put an end to the career they both worked so hard for. At the back of her mind, Emy could not help but think that there was more to the reason that was "personal issues."

For the remainder of that particular day when the news was conveyed to her, the fact that _Tegan and Sara_ were _actually_ done left Emy in tremendous wonderment, that she had trouble attending to her other side-lines, particularly her duties with _Revel & Riot_. Although hearing the news from Kim was seemingly adequate, Emy felt that she was going to be perpetually restless if she was unable to talk to Tegan and Sara, or either of them.

She tried phoning Sara first. But just as she predicted, the younger twin's mobile number was deemed inaccessible. It was typical of Sara – who, after all, had been her partner for five years. Then she called Tegan. Thankfully, after several instances in which her calls were directed to voicemail, the older twin finally answered.

Emy immediately took notice of the morose tone in Tegan's voice on the other line. It almost felt as if Tegan was grieving over a death in the family. Throughout the entire conversation, Emy kept her tone reserved. She was careful with her words, trying to be as sympathetic and understanding as possible.

Although she was dying to prod Tegan into revealing the _real reason_ why she and Sara had broken up the band, Emy merely listened in silence as she spoke. When Tegan repeated the "personal issues" pretext to her, she respectfully acknowledged it even though her gut feeling insisted that there was something more going on. She just didn't have the slightest clue as to what it was. The phone call ended with her telling Tegan that she would make her way to the management headquarters once she had taken care of her priorities in Montreal.

Exactly a week later, Emy arrived at the office, with a brown backpack over her shoulder and her signature feel-good smile. She and Tegan hugged the moment they saw each other. Noticing Sara's absence in the office which she half-expected, Emy decided it was best that she didn't ask about her ex-wife. Instead, she obeyed Tegan's initially reluctant request for an official announcement regarding the disbandment of _Tegan and Sara _to be posted on the dot-com website.

"Are we going to tell Sara that it's been posted?"

Again, she was refused a response. Tegan merely bowed her head, ogling her tree tattoo. Emy could not help but think that it was her mention of Sara's name that refrained Tegan from answering her. A suffocating silence shrouded them.

Emy sighed and rubbed her hands together. She then returned to her MacBook to shut it down.

"Emy." Tegan hushed out of the blue. Emy automatically faced her allowing the two of them to finally make eye contact.

"Yeah?"

"Y–you – you were the one –" Tegan paused and bit on her labret stud, "You broke up with Sara, right?"

Emy was surprised and confused with Tegan's question. _What does the relationship Sara and I had years ago have to do with anything?_ She wondered and took a moment to think whether or not she was going to answer the question. But from the dejected and probing look on Tegan's face, she knew she had to, "Yeah… Why?"

"Wh–why did you break up with her?"

"Umm Tegan… You know why…"

Tegan shook her head faintly, "Not really."

She did know the reason why. She knew it well, in fact. Besides being the first person who found out about their separation and being the only person who comforted Sara the _right way_, she was also the person who eventually took Emy's place in Sara's life – a position that had _always_ been _hers_ to begin with. She merely asked Emy the question so as to try and understand why anyone would want to leave the beautiful and incredible person her twin sister was – or at least that was how she saw her.

Emy exhaled and shifted her eyes back to the now-black screen of her MacBook. She closed it gently. "Well… It – it just wasn't working for me anymore, you know… Things changed…"

Tegan continued to look at her intently with weary eyes.

"I also _sorta_ felt her become distant, like – like she was always distracted... I tried putting up with it, but I got tired. Things like that happen, I guess. Relationships become dull and people just get tired." Emy heaved a sigh as she looked at Tegan, whose eyes returned to being focused elsewhere, "Why do you ask?"

"Nothing... No reason."

"Okay… I thought it had some sort of relation to you and Sara breaking up –" Emy was halted from continuing her sentence when Tegan's panicked face shot up at her. She raised an eyebrow subtly, "– the band."

"Nah… No… Well… I – I suppose a little bit. I guess I just want to know _what_ exactly in Sara's character made you leave her." Tegan reasoned in an insistent tone that started to make Emy feel oddly uncomfortable.

"The kind of person Sara was – or _is_, rather, had nothing to do with our break-up. Like I said, things just changed in our relationship… But I really don't regret anything, Tegan. You should know, I loved Sara and – and I still do. It's just… We're – we're better off as friends, you know."

Tegan nodded at Emy as her facial expression gradually depicted that of deep thought again. _Better off as friends_. Hearing such conclusion from Emy had Tegan pondering on her own relationship with Sara. _I guess, we were never meant to be lovers._ She shook her head disconcertedly. _No shit, Tegan. You're sisters. _She sniggered pathetically. _Better off as sisters. Better off as nothing._ Her head descended, the impulse to tear up – which had been consistent since that fateful day their mother found out about their relationship and the day Sara left her – threatening to visit again.

"It's almost nine o'clock," Emy pronounced looking at her watch, "I take it you're starving?" She stood up and put her hands inside the pockets of her black skinny jeans.

"No… Not really." Tegan answered and got up. The muscles on her back and lower body had strained from sitting in the same prolonged position on the couch. She stretched, "I'm tired. I just want to go home and sleep."

Emy bobbed her head considerately, "Okay… You want me to drop you off? I can call a taxi for us."

"It's fine. Mom's picking me up." Tegan said as she held her Blackberry, sending a text message to Sonia saying that what needed to be done in the management office that day was achieved. She looked up at Emy, "Where are you staying? You can hitch a ride with us."

Emy couldn't resist beaming at the thought of Sonia picking up Tegan like she were a 13 year-old visiting a friend who lived on the other side of town. For Emy, Sonia _had_ to be on the list of "coolest moms ever", if there was one; she was basically the kind of mother any person would be lucky to have. During the time she was with Sara, Sonia made her feel as if she was her own daughter even though they rarely saw each other, and that imprint stuck with Emy even after the end of hers and Sara's relationship. "I'm staying with Jean. I contacted her at the airport earlier."

"Okay. Mom's the "transporter" tonight. Just tell her where her place is. We'll take you there before she drops me off my place." Tegan said with a slight smile.

Tegan talked to Emy about the necessary legalities and formalities the management and most importantly, she and Sara, were bound to deal with as they waited for Sonia. She deliberately kept Sara out of the conversation, which Emy noticed. Then she mentioned the poor yet understandable reaction of the boys, especially Ted, when she told them that they _had to_ disband; the regretful cancellation of shows; and how the record label practically went nuts at their decision. She also brought up their fans, and how it broke her heart that they had managed to do such to the people who didn't know them, but still supported them nonetheless. "I'm one hundred per cent positive they'll hate us." Tegan sighed disappointedly.

_Here at the parking lot. Bring an umbrella. It's pouring_. Tegan finally received her mother's text message. She and Emy stood up and readied themselves. They made sure all the windows in the office were closed, and they cleaned up the minor clutter, such as the cake left-overs and empty wine bottles. They also looked around for an umbrella but were unsuccessful. Moments later, they walked out of the office. Before they closed the door, Tegan and Emy perused the vacant space. It had served as a home, in a way. It was one of the primary places that housed all of their dreams and struggles, aside from the road. Sadness overcame Tegan as she slowly pulled the knob and allowed the door to click shut.

The two boyish women darted from the single-storey building to the parking lot with their arms folded over their heads. The rain was relentless. Tegan quickly opened the door to the passenger's seat of her mother's black SUV, and Emy hurried into the backseat. "Hey!" Emy greeted Sonia, flashing a delighted smile while brushing droplets off of her jacket.

"Emy! Hi!" Sonia responded gladly as she started the car, "How have you been?"

"I've been good. Busy, but it's all been good for me. How about you? Gosh. It's been a while since I last saw you!"

Sonia made her way out of the parking lot and onto the main road. She glanced at Emy and beamed, "I know, eh?"

Tegan stayed silent in her seat, and enabled her mother and Emy to catch up with each other. She looked out the window, her weary eyes fixed on the view outside obscured by darkness and the abundant downpour of rain. She overlaid her arms on her chest, trying to warm and shield herself as dampening thoughts began to invade her whole being again. Her heart ached. _I miss you so much, Sara. I miss you so fucking much._

"So, where are you staying?" Sonia asked Emy, but her peripheral vision slowly shifted to her daughter.

"At Jean's – she's an old friend of mine from here," Emy answered while fiddling with her iPhone, intending to send a text message to the very person she was mentioning to Sonia, "Her new apartment is actually not far from your place, Tegan. It's like, a twenty-minute drive north."

Tegan maintained her quietness. She did not feel like talking or showing even the slightest interest in taking part of Emy and Sonia's conversation. Sonia noticed and understood this. Her first born was still hurting and troubled. She had just put an end to her career, after all. But mainly, she was deeply heartbroken.

Although the damage caused by the revelation of her twin daughters' taboo relationship hurt Sonia, she was determined to help Tegan get through it all, as well as Sara, even though she continued to escape. Tegan had laid out _everything_ for her after Sara left. She eventually learned about how their relationship started, as well as _ended_. It relieved her that Tegan no longer held back. Although Sara evaded the entire conundrum right from the moment their secret was discovered, it was amongst Sonia's priorities to see and talk to her youngest daughter.

Sonia had guided her daughters all throughout their lives – no matter how trivial or arduous the issues and obstructions that burdened them. Now that they were dealing with possibly the most difficult phase yet, she armed herself with her unconditional love and understanding to help them put together the shattered pieces of their individual lives. For her, Sara and Tegan being apart was the _right _setup. Even though it pained her, she thought it was best that her daughters mended themselves _separately_, so that their relationship could be saved and _perhaps_ be restored to _the way it should have been_.

Sonia eyed Emy on the rear-view mirror, "Why don't you stay with Tegan?" She suggested spontaneously.

"What?" Emy said, surprised.

"Since Tegan's place is close to your friend's, why don't you just stay with her?" Sonia slowed down and hit the brake at the stoplight, "I mean, why not head to a single destination, right? You know, make it easy for me, especially with the rain and all." She chuckled.

Tegan withdrew from her glum mood and turned to Emy, her eyes obliging, "Yeah, Em. Just stay at my apartment. Besides, the stuff you still have to do will probably take like, just a day more. Or two days, at most." Though she was unsure if she wanted company, especially since – of all people – it was Sara's ex-wife, Tegan really didn't see the point of Emy crashing some other person's place when her own home was available.

Emy spent a moment to consider. The mother and daughter in front of her had good points. Plus, Tegan seemed sincere. _Maybe she could use my company_, Emy thought. _And maybe, just maybe, she'll let me in on the real reason why she and Sara broke the band up. _Even if the idea of being alone with Tegan in her apartment was bizarre to her, Emy agreed. "Well, okay, if you guys insist. I'll just text Jean."

The rest of the drive to Tegan's apartment was quiet. When they arrived, the rain had stopped. Sonia walked Tegan and Emy to the entrance of the tall brick building. She hugged her former daughter-in-law and told her to help herself in Tegan's kitchen, since it had just been recently stocked. She then gave her own daughter a tender embrace and a reassuring kiss on her forehead, "If you need anything, call me. Okay, Tegan?"

Tegan simply nodded as if her mother's gestures had no effect on her whatsoever and entered the building with Emy, who looked at her in bewilderment.

Once they stepped into the apartment, Emy instantly distinguished an air of gloominess. To her, it was almost oppressive. The last time she had been in such abode, everything was different; the vibe she acquired back then was laid-back and cheery nonchalance. Nevertheless, she still wanted to be a polite houseguest. "I like what you've done with the place, with the rearrangement and all," Emy said, taking off her yellow jacket revealing her lean figure covered with a sheer black v-neck shirt. A thin silver chain with an abstract snowflake pendant that was given to her by her _recent_ ex-partner, Sarah, hung around her slender neck.

"Thanks," Tegan responded as she shed her black blazer and placed it on the arm of the teal couch in her living room, "It was Sar –" she stopped and shook her head. Then she made her way into the kitchen, "Hey, Em… I've got frozen pizza and sausage rolls," she pronounced, peering into the refrigerator.

Emy followed her, "I'll have either," she said with a smile that somehow lit up the room, leaning on her back against the island. At that, Tegan decided to pop the frozen pepperoni pizza and two sausage rolls in the oven.

Although Tegan initially did not have the appetite to eat, she managed to down one sausage roll, while Emy shamelessly consumed most of the pizza, as well as the other sausage roll. "I'm really hungry, in case you didn't notice," Emy jested with a stuffed mouth, making Tegan laugh slightly.

As they had their late dinner, both women talked about relationships. Emy related to Tegan how she and Sarah managed to stay good friends, as well as business partners, even after the downfall of their relationship. Tegan, on the other hand, secretly felt compelled to share the hell she was going through in her break-up with Sara. But disclosing such a warped situation to someone else, especially Emy, might as well be the death of her. Instead, she decided to talk about how she was missing the woman she had managed to use as her "cover" for almost five years – Lindsey. Even though Lindsey was in Tegan's life primarily for that purpose, Tegan still adored her and cared about her.

After they ate and cleaned up, Tegan directed Emy to the spare bedroom, bid her goodnight and then entered her own bedroom. She changed into an oversized navy blue muscle shirt and a fresh pair of black underwear. Before hopping into bed, she turned off the fluorescence coming from the ceiling and replaced it with the dim yellow light of the lamp on her bedside table. She just didn't want to be surrounded with darkness yet.

Tegan went under her plain blue-grey sheets and positioned herself on her side, her head resting on the back of her forearm. Her eyes slowly began to close. The moment they did, her thoughts commenced to taunting her. Visions of Sara managed to seize her weary state of mind. Memories of laughing with her _sister_, crying with her, talking to her and performing on extravagantly-lit platforms all over the world with her as they fulfilled their dreams perturbed her as she struggled to sleep. Heart-wrenching recollections of holding her _soulmate_, kissing her, feeling the warmth of her body and making love to her demanded to be dwelled on.

She could no longer take it. Each night since the day Sara left, Tegan was haunted by her. Whenever she closed her eyes and tried to fall into slumber, Sara was all that she could see and hear, even feel.

_Get out of my fucking head, Sara._ Tegan exclaimed in her thoughts. She sat up sharply, rattled and tense. _Sara, please. Just get out._

Out of the corner of her eye, to her right, Tegan spotted the black Gretsch acoustic guitar displayed impeccably in between her mahogany dresser and her stereo. It was one of Sara's many gifts to her on their first anniversary as an _official_ _couple_. Her initials had been engraved on the body.

_"Do you like it?" Sara said to her when she held the customized instrument for the first time. They were both naked in Tegan's bed, still spent from hours of making love. "Use it when you write songs about me…" Sara whispered to her and planted a tender kiss on her neck that was discoloured with love bites._

_Tegan smiled, "But, ALL of my songs are written about you. They're all for you…" She carefully placed her new guitar on the floor and held her sister by the waist, "I love you." She hushed into Sara's warm, fragrant mouth before she pinned her down. For the rest of that day, they entwined underneath Tegan's sheets, thankful that at moment, they were able to become one – physically, emotionally and spiritually._

Recalling such special memory enabled a harrowing sensation to brew within Tegan. Tears ran down her face as her fists clenched. Then she started to black out. Suddenly, she stood up, marched towards the guitar and picked it up.

Holding the sleek instrument by its neck, Tegan thoughtlessly smashed it onto the floor, using every ounce of her strength. She shouted and cried vehemently as wooden shards and pieces flew about her bedroom. The force she was exerting was so strong, that the stereo managed to turn itself on due to the tremors. The sudden blasting of loud indie rock music being played by a local radio station merged with her frantic cries as she continued to destroy the guitar.

Already lying in bed wearing a white wife-beater and neon pink boxers, Emy was hindered from shutting her eyes when her ears perked up at the violent noises that came from the room right beside the one she was in. Immediately agitated, she got up, walked out of the room and knocked loudly on the door to Tegan's bedroom. "Tegan? Tegan? Hey, are you alright in there?"

There was no response, which alarmed Emy even more. She twisted the doorknob, but was aghast when she realized it was locked. She had to know what was going on inside Tegan's room, thus she mustered all of her potency and forcefully pushed her way in. Luckily, the door gave in.

"Teg–" Emy was instantly terrified at the sight of wooden fragments scattered on the carpeted floor and the severely ruined guitar lying in front of Tegan, who was whimpering and shaking. Though her physique was intact, it was clear to Emy that Tegan's soul was just as broken as the object she had just destroyed. "Tegan…" Emy mouthed, deeply concerned.

Tegan collapsed to the floor with her back against the foot of her bed. When she realized Emy's presence, she covered her misery-stricken face with both hands. Emy went over to Tegan without hesitation and sat next to her.

"Hey…" Emy placed an arm around her friend's shoulder and gave her arm soothing rubs. Her marginally taller and protective figure somehow characterized the security and solace Tegan needed at that moment. "Talk to me, Tegan…" she said.

The instant Tegan removed her hands from her face and her eyes met Emy's clear blue-grey orbs, a familiar song started to play on the stereo. It was as if everything and everyone in the world conspired so as to taunt and upset her further. Tegan snickered and shook her head pitiably. Emy tilted her head back, _Oh wow. Perfect._ She thought.

_I don't want to be,_

_Part of the problem_

_I try so hard,_

_To get roughed up_

_Fists on up_

_It looks that easy,_

_Looks that way to me,_

_Looks that way to you_

_…_

_Then there's you,_

_Screaming say something_

_..._

_I want the ocean right now_

_I want the ocean right now_

_…_

_I get so jealous, I can't even work_

Tegan mentally obstructed the provoking tune out of her ears. She then found herself staring at the nipples poking out of the light material the person huddled next to her was wearing. She raised her head and her desperate eyes were aligned with Emy's.

Emy felt her insides loop within her stomach. Feeling fretful and bemused, she whispered, "Tegan."


	5. Mind My Manners

Sara awoke to the sound of busy traffic bustling outside her quaint New York apartment. Her hazel eyes squinted in exasperation upon being greeted by a streak of midmorning sunlight that shone through the gap between the thick forest green drapes that hung over the tall windows. She sat up and rubbed the remnants of sleep from her eyes. A throbbing sensation began to develop in one of her temples.

Right beside her was a petite brunette lying on her stomach with her legs sprawled wide. She was naked; her bare, moist skin resembling silky cream. Sara continued to rub her eyes as she tried to recall how the unidentified woman whom she was sharing her bed with got there. Regrettably, the aftereffects of the various alcoholic substances she had taken the previous night did well in betraying her usually apt memory.

Her headache worsened and she growled at the pain, massaging her temple with her nimble index and middle fingers. Her nose crinkled when it picked up the musty scent of sex coming from the digits pressing on her skin. She then realized that her own bed and even the woman beside her also carried the odour.

She browsed her surroundings and instantly, her inner anal retentive cringed. Seeing pieces of clothing discarded on the vinyl wood flooring annoyed her more than it should have. Spotting her prized black ceramic vase that contained several yellow tulips and how it had fallen flat on the corner table with the flowers scattered amongst a small puddle of water, she couldn't help but let out a riled groan. _What the fuck happened last night?_ She thought hard.

Though she intended for her groan to be inaudible, it managed to stir the brunette next to her from her sleep. The woman slowly opened her eyes and positioned herself on her side. Seeing Sara, who sat inertly beside her with an indifferent and piqued facial expression, she stretched and moaned, "Hey, you. Good morning."

Sara stopped pressing on her temple and exhaled. "Good morning," she responded apathetically, eyeing the brunette's naked and lethargic form. She perused the woman's slightly greasy head of hair, down to her bruised neck and collarbone, and then to her average-sized but perky breasts. She turned away nonchalantly. _I've fucked hotter_, she said in her head. And it was the truth.

She had been one for casual encounters. Though her reserved and cryptic exterior did not give the fact away, Sara _loved_ sex. She loved to fuck and be fucked. She liked to _enjoy_ women, especially the interesting, mind-blowingly beautiful ones; and for her, the more seemingly unattainable, the better. She was a mysterious and suave individual who had the looks and smarts, after all, and these qualities never failed her. Her wicked habit of picking up women and bedding them whenever it was opportune had started when Emy had left her. Sex became her _escape_ when she decided that she no longer wanted to dwell on the pain brought about by heartbreak. It became her way of coping.

When Tegan rescued her and mended her brokenness, keeping up the obnoxious routine wore off from her character. Because of the love, care and patience her twin sister showed her, Sara eventually got her shit together and learned to be faithful, as well as strong. But now that Tegan was gone, she was broken again – more devastated than she had ever been before. From the moment their clandestine relationship ended, she never looked back and went on escaping. Ultimately, she relapsed, recklessly indulging in casual sex to distract herself and evade painful thoughts and recollections of her sister, who she knew was just as shattered.

Looking at the plain brunette whose playful green eyes were fixed on her own nakedness, Sara wondered. _What in the fuck did I see in this girl?_ Her eyes randomly shifted to the brunette's inner thighs, which had been spread conveniently. Pinkish purple spots that had clearly been bite marks tarnished the fair skin. Sara knew the bruises were indications of her lustful, violent doing the night before, but she still could not wrap her head around why she had managed to seemingly fuck the woman beside her shitless, thinking she could have had better.

But then something on the brunette's face caught her eye, and at that moment, she finally got her answer – a labret piercing. Images of Tegan instantly plagued her, and she felt the pain she had been avoiding in her chest. Her headache, which had subsided, returned.

"You okay?" the brunette asked her in a syrupy tone.

"I just – My head hurts," she answered as her fingers found their way to her temple again. She avoided looking at the woman's face.

"Want me to make it go away?"

"No, no… I'm – I'm –" Sara resisted aloofly when the brunette propped herself up and reached out to touch her, "Umm… What's your name again?"

The woman was dumbfounded at how blunt Sara managed to blurt out the question. She was offended, "My name?"

"Yeah, what is it again? I – um – forgot."

"Claire."

Sara turned her back on the brunette, whom she now identified as Claire, and slowly slid out of the queen-sized cherry wood bed. She stood up and her dainty, milk-skinned figure glistened when the gleam of sunlight hit her. Claire stared at her naked body as she began picking up the articles of clothing from the floor. The brunette couldn't resist biting her bottom lip at the sight of Sara's fragile yet powerful and sensual physicality.

"Hey Claire," Sara muttered, placing the clothes on the kelly green armchair situated across the end of bed, "I – I have to be off somewhere today…"

Claire raised an eyebrow, "Is that right?"

"Yeah…" Sara answered without looking at Claire's face to avoid seeing an irked facial expression. She walked over to her closet and pulled out a deep purple silk robe. Slipping into it, she faced the nude brunette, "I have to like, be – be out in less –"

"If you want me to leave, you can just say it, you know. No need to lie or beat around the bush." Claire cut Sara short fiercely and got out of the bed. She headed towards the armchair where her polka dot button-up, red denim skinny jeans and underwear were neatly placed.

Sara didn't say anything. She was secretly glad that Claire easily picked up on what she was trying to tell her. Although she was aware that Claire wanted to stay in her apartment a bit longer, perhaps to make her breakfast and also, to get to know each other on a more personal level, Sara wasn't in the least bit interested. She had no time to mind her manners. They met at some bar and got wasted, they arrived at the apartment, they fucked… And for Sara, that was _that_.

An austere silence proliferated throughout the room as Claire put on her clothes, while Sara began undressing the mattress of its beige linen. She wanted to get rid of the soiled sheets – the evidence of her futile lust. Amidst the quietness, Sara heard the main door of her apartment suddenly open. Then it closed heavily. "Shit," she said through her breath and instantly sensed apprehension building within her.

"Sara?" a familiar girlish voice called out and although faint, Sara heard it, "Baby?"

"Fuck!" Sara exclaimed and stopped what she was doing. She began to fluster nervously, her eyes widening with guilt at Claire, who was still half-naked.

"Who's that?" Claire asked, starting to feel just as nervous.

Without warning, the bedroom door opened and in walked the one woman Sara had managed to _almost completely_ forget about – Stacy. She was in a willowy white dress which fell just above her knees and a bold fuchsia blazer covered her upper body. She made it a point to look ravishing for her girlfriend, who she had not seen in almost a month due to a lengthy business trip in Boston.

"Baby, surp–"

The cheerful and excited mien that was on Stacy's face before she opened the door promptly transformed into a look of utter disgust and horror the moment she walked into the room. Somewhat like Sara, Stacy was also an alert and sharp individual. Instantly, she knew what her girlfriend had been up to while she was away. _Fucking cheater_, the thought reiterated itself inside Stacy's head as she looked at Sara and then the brunette whose torso was still exposed. Eyeing the fresh bruises on Claire's neck and collarbone, she lost it, "WHAT. THE. FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Sara shakily put a hand over her face and tried to come up with an explanation, even though she was aware that there really was no way out of the mess she knew she got into willingly. Also, Stacy was not stupid. _Cheater_ was clearly written all over her.

"Who are you?" Claire asked Stacy, baffled, as she hastily put on her button-up.

"Who am I?! I happen to be her girlfriend!" Stacy hollered furiously at Claire and then pointed at Sara, "You! You cheating bitch! How could you do this to me?!" She stomped on the wooden floor, the impact of her beige pumps sending quakes throughout the room.

Claire, now fully clothed, turned to Sara who was biting the inside of her cheek tensely, "You have a girlfriend? Last night, you were crying your heart out asking me to make you feel better because you had just broken up with _the person that you love_!"

Stacy's mouth opened in astonishment; she was shocked and hurt, "Wow! You were planning it? Were you Sara?! Or are you a clairvoyant now?! Seems to me you were pretty confident in sharing your premonition of _our_ break-up to her last night!"

"Wow." Claire muttered.

Sara tried to voice out the right sentences, but she struggled and pulled on her robe agitatedly, "I – I was – I – We were drunk, okay? Drunk!"

"That's not a fucking excuse!" Stacy shouted and tears mixed with black mascara started running down her cheeks, "How could you do this?! Why Sara?! I would – I would never do this to you!" She began to sob, and Claire watched her sympathetically.

Her conscience prodding her, Sara's face depicted remorse as she slowly approached her girlfriend, "Stace… Baby… I'm – I'm –"

"No! Get the fuck away from me! You – you are fucking disgusting!" Stacy yelled and backed away.

Sara began to feel knots forming in her stomach and a sense of revulsion towards herself whelmed her upon hearing Stacy's words. _I know, Stace… I know... And if only you knew to what extent_, she ruminated shamefully, as she felt tears brimming, threatening to trickle.

"You know what?! Fuck this! It's over! I – I am done! We are through!"

"Wh–what? No… Please…" Sara pleaded, but there was uncertainty in her voice. It was as if a part of her was fine with Stacy leaving her. But there was also a significant fraction of her that was going to be devastated. She was going to be alone again, after all. Although she considered Stacy as her "cover," much like how Tegan had Lindsey for the same reason, Sara shared a special connection with her. She also liked her because she understood and respected Sara's constant need for privacy and space. Furthermore, Sara deemed herself lucky to have the tall, attractive brunette – even if she was merely a cover – because numerous men pined for her, and to have been the one who _owned _her magnified Sara's ego.

"No! You just broke my fucking heart, Sara Quin! You can go to hell!" Stacy roared as blackened tears flooded her face. She stormed out of the room, grabbed her bag which she had placed on the couch in the living room and exited the apartment, violently slamming the main door shut behind her.

Sara, speechless and dejected, sat weakly at the end of her bed. A lump formed in her throat. Claire observed her for a moment and then walked to the door, "I suggest you do just that." Sara looked up at her, spotting the silver stud once more as it glimmered below her bottom lip. Contemptuously, Claire uttered, "Go to hell."

The petite brunette left and it didn't take long for the main door to close roughly again. Sara looked around the dusky room, and exhaled heavily. Her eyes shifted to the gap between the curtains where sunlight was visible. The warm glare shone directly on her head, and she felt like she was under a spotlight – not one where her deeds were glorified, like the days when she was a praised musician; but one that shamed her entire being.

_Go to hell_. The sentence stuck with her. _I'm already here, _she mused and a pathetic grin formed on her face. _Fucking karma_, Sara went on and the clear fluid that welled in her hazel eyes started flowing ceaselessly. Her heart ached. _I need you right now, Tegan. I need you._

Once thoughts and images of Tegan infiltrated her mind, she tried to repress them. She fought against them, repeatedly hitting her forehead with the palm of her hand. Though she knew her heart ached for her sister, she didn't want to think about her. Because thinking about Tegan meant dwelling on pain, and she did not want that. She had to _escape_.

"Fuck. Get it together, you chicken shit," she scolded herself and wiped her tears gruffly. She stood up and made her way to the bathroom, which was adjacent to her bedroom. She turned the shower on and took off her robe, letting it fall on the tiled floor. Stepping under the spray, she soaked up the steam and washed herself with the warm water.

Sara began to scrub her entire body. She lathered herself with jasmine-scented shower gel, starting from her chest, to her stomach, down to her supple legs and then her feet. Though she was trying to appease her mind, distressing thoughts made themselves recognized. One by one, they abruptly invaded her being – her mother, her career, the women she had slept with since she arrived in New York, Stacy, and though she tried hard to keep her out – her sister.

She shut her eyes tight and scrubbed her skin harder with the bath sponge. Suddenly, she dropped the sponge and parted her slick legs. Even though her body was already wet, she put two fingers in her mouth out of instinct. She sucked on them, hydrating her parched mouth in the process. Slowly, she lowered the digits to her centre and began stroking her folds, her other hand placed on the tiled wall for support.

"Teg–" she moaned absentmindedly, but managed to discontinue uttering the name. After all, it was the name of the very person she was trying so hard to not think about – to forget. But it was clear that she was failing.

She circled her pulsating bud with her middle finger and let out a whimper. Circling faster and adding more pressure as she rubbed, Sara could no longer take it and promptly entered herself with two fingers. She started going in and out slowly, paying attention to the spot where she loved to be touched most – the spot that drove every other part of her body insane. Her head fell back and her mouth dropped open, releasing groans and laboured breaths. The light spray of warm water continued to fall on her flushed skin, and droplets trickled on her breasts, surrounding her hardened pink nipples.

After everything that had happened that morning, _release_ was the kind of _escape_ Sara needed, or at least that's what she believed. Although she evoked the several gorgeous women she had bedded in the past few weeks as she fucked herself, the memory of how her sister once plowed her – tongue and fingers – under the same shower not too long ago, crept into her thoughts.

_"Hey, you…" Tegan had entered the shower slyly, and immediately wrapped her arms around Sara's slippery nude figure from behind, "Mind if I join you?" She whispered in her ear, pulling the lobe gently with her teeth. The husky voice sent heat and shivers to Sara's very core._

_Sara giggled impishly, "Not at all. I was beginning to think you were going to leave me to my own devices…" She turned to face her sister, whose naked body was speckled with droplets, and wrapped her tattooed arms around the svelte neck._

_"Now, why would I do that?" Tegan leaned in to her, pressing her moist lips on Sara's own. The tamed kiss quickly graduated to a heated one; the sisters' eager tongues clashing as they exchanged moans into each other's mouths. Sara pushed her body against Tegan's harder, her lust-driven anticipation insistent. The older twin responded by ramming her slick, round breasts on her sister's bosom. Breaking the kiss, she caught her breath before digging into Sara's inviting neck. She started with soft kisses and nibbles. But excitement quickly drove her to ravage the warm, pulsating skin, sinking her teeth in and sucking hungrily._

_"Oh god... Baby…" Sara whimpered at the delicious sensation which was a merger of pain and pleasure. Her centre throbbed and heated irrepressibly, "I want you... I want you now. Please. Fuck me."_

_Heeding her sister's plea, Tegan planted a final kiss on Sara's neck and lowered herself. She squatted and faced her sister's beautiful, soaked mound, "You want my mouth on it?" She rasped teasingly, looking up as she pressed the swollen pink button that stuck out with her thumb._

_Sara spread wider, "Mmhmm... Please… Do whatever you want with it…"_

_Without hesitation, Tegan placed her hot mouth on her sister's sex and voraciously ate her out, moaning as she savoured the taste and texture. Her head bobbed keenly while her masterful tongue lapped at Sara's opening that was flooded with her juices and the water that continuously ran down her body. Tegan tongued her sister relentlessly. She gulped every drop, like she were drinking from a fountain. "You taste amazing, Sara… Keep it running, Baby. I want more," she spurred lustily, while Sara hissed and groaned into the steamy air._

_"Tee, I want you deep inside me," the younger twin requested under lustful breaths and gently pulled her sister's drenched chocolate locks, motioning her to stand. Tegan obliged and stood up, locking her lips with Sara's the instant their identical faces met. Not wanting to delay the relief Sara yearned for, the older twin ghosted the younger one's slick folds with two fingers, and in one sudden motion, she slipped right into her. "Oh!" Sara yelped and gripped her sister's shoulders. She clawed Tegan's skin and eyed her savagely, "Fuck me hard."_

_At that, Tegan went in and out of her, plowing her deep and fast. Her whimpers turned into screams of utter pleasure as she felt the explosion budding within her. Tegan bit and sucked on her neck, moaning as she sensed Sara's walls tightening around her skillful digits. Nearing her orgasm, Sara bounced up and down, riding her sister's fingers. After granting one final push, Tegan watched her sister come hard all over her hand. Sara screeched loudly, voicing out profanities._

_Once her orgasm had subsided, Sara looked at her sister, whose bright eyes were glossed with triumph and love. She smiled elatedly and whispered, "I love you." Tegan beamed at her before returning the same powerful sentence._

Because the memory had fully taken over her, Sara rapidly slammed her fingers hard inside her core. Although she tried to fight it, she found herself imagining that it was Tegan fucking the daylights out of her. And it was in _that particular way_ that she loved to be fucked most – at the hands of her twin sister, who was also the love of her life.

It didn't take long for the release to wash over her entire being. With her eyes shut tight, she panted as her saturated body shuddered violently, her stance almost giving in. She withdrew her fingers and opened her eyes. The moment she did, tears of longing and _regret_ – tears she held back since the day she left her sister – streamed down her face, blending in with the water that continued to spray her.

_How do I forget you, Tegan?_ She sulked. _How am I going to get over you? Will I ever get over you?_

Sara spent a long moment in the shower. She cried and pondered, striving to come up with answers to the questions that burdened her. Feeling defeated, she forced herself to stop crying and finally turned off the drizzle. She stepped out, grabbed the forest green towel that hung on the golden rod and dried herself. After wrapping her body with the thick cloth, she walked over to the sink.

As she turned on the faucet, sighting the fogged mirror somehow bothered her. She put one hand under the running water and then wiped the mirror, scouring the glass surface in circles. The instant she made out her reflection – a hopeless and chaotic but still figure – the lone answer to her questions engulfed her. She looked at her face, scrutinizing _every_ feature – her hazel eyes, her button nose, her small pale pink lips, her strikingly-defined facial bone structure… A sensation she had trouble understanding gradually sprung within her when she finally arrived at the painful realization.

_You can't escape from someone you actually see every day. You can never get over someone you share a face with. Most of all, you can never forget someone who is basically – you._


	6. My Motor Mouth

**1991**

"You excited to see Tegan?" Stephen asked his 10 year-old who was zoning out, her golden eyes fixed on the bright yellow buildings situated across the street. The father and daughter sat quietly on the curb right outside the apartment building Stephen lived in.

"No…" Sara answered her father nonchalantly and began to fiddle with the laces of her white canvas shoes. Stephen guffawed and clasped his hands together, wrapping them around his knee. He knew his second born wasn't being truthful. Sara hadn't been in Tegan's presence for three days straight. And he knew very well what separation did to the twins.

Within that period, Sara hadn't done anything but ask her father,her mother and even her grandparents about how Tegan was doing at summer camp. It was a privilege she was refused by her mother due to lack of budget. Also, her mother thought that separating them for a few days would do them good. Even though it pleased Sonia that her daughters depended on each other considerably, she believed that the time in which they will no longer be attached to the hip was expected. Thus, allowing them to experience a sense of independence was only reasonable.

Throughout the three days, Sara spent a significant amount of time going to her grandparents' house just to use their telephone to call Tegan. Hearing her sister's voice – one that was similar to hers, yet distinct in a way– became a basic necessity. Sara couldn't go through a day in which she was unable to talk to her sister, who had also been phoning their grandparents' residence constantly from the main office at camp.

When Sonia noticed that Sara struggled sleeping at night due to the fact that Tegan wasn't around, she realized that having separated the twins, though temporary, was not such a good idea. It became clear to her that Sara had trouble functioning on her own, and that it was also the same for Tegan. Sonia eventually grasped that separating her daughters meant taking a significant part out of each of them, much like the removal of a vital limb. Being apart made her daughters dysfunctional.

Like his ex-wife, Stephen was well aware that Sara missed her twin sister very much and that she wasn't doing as well as they thought without Tegan. But, it was typical of her not to own up to it. "You sure you're not excited to see Tegan?" Stephen questioned once more, looking at his daughter whilst gently brushing away a dust particle on her shoulder. Sara merely shook her head and continued to unmindfully do and undo her shoelaces.

The street in which Stephen lived in was quiet and it was almost perpetually empty. It was an area downtown populated mostly by small families, yuppies and capable senior citizens who liked to be independent. Stephen made the decision to live in the area because most people kept to themselves, yet they were affable when necessary. He also liked his neighbourhood because it was safe, and that was important to him. After all, the arrangement was that his daughters were to be his primary responsibility during the weekends. Hence, he made it a point to play "the considerate and responsible ex-husband" card to Sonia. But more importantly, although admittedly possessing strange and even repulsive habits, he wanted to be a good father to Sara and Tegan.

The late afternoon sky which had been pale grey for most of the day was turning dark, a sign that the night – and possibly the entire weekend – was going to be rainy. Stephen touched the tip of Sara's nose wanting to get her full attention, "I rented some movies. What do you want to –"

He was interrupted when a red sedan suddenly pulled over some inches away from them. Sonia and Tegan had arrived. Stephen and Sara stood up simultaneously. He began to approach the parked vehicle, eyeing Sonia through the windshield. From inside, she beamed at him, seemingly relieved. Tegan, on the other hand, got out of the car hurriedly. She was in a mint green wool sweater and whitewash jeans. She also wore her dirtied favourite pair of black sneakers.

Sara's eyes lit up the moment she saw her twin sister. She let out a big smile, one that had been absent from her immaculate face throughout the three days in which Tegan wasn't around. "Tegan!" she yelled.

"Sara!" Tegan scuttled towards her younger sister. Though she desired to encircle Sara in an immense and hearty embrace that would have expressed just how much she missed her, Tegan settled for an awkward and quick one-arm hug. But even so, the sole fact that she was finally in the presence of _home_ and no longer in the summer camp, which had pretty much been hogwash, was enough for her. "You look so pale!" She taunted her sister lovingly.

"I do?" Sara mumbled with knit brows and brought her hands to her face. She palmed her cheeks.

"Yeah!" Tegan swatted one of Sara's hands away and gave her sister a mild slap.

"Hey! What the –"

Tegan chortled, "Much better! You're red now!"

Sara grimaced and caressed her cheek whilst Tegan watched her in amusement. As the twins caught up with each other, Stephen and Sonia observed them from afar. Seeing their daughters uniquely reconnect made them happy and relieved. It was a way of reuniting which only the girls understood – almost as if they immersed themselves in their own world, where they were the only ones that ruled it and resided in it.

"I want you to make sure that Sara's nice to her all throughout the weekend," Sonia said to her ex-husband as she leaned against the hood of her boyfriend's second-hand automobile.

"Umm… Okay? Why?" Stephen asked and a puzzled expression became apparent on his face. He opened the backseat of the car and took out the enormous red duffle bag Tegan brought to summer camp.

"She hated the camp. She was really upset when I picked her up earlier."

"Why's she upset?"

"I have no idea. She doesn't want to talk about it."

Stephen placed the bag on the ground and stood beside his ex-wife. He inserted his hands into the pockets of his white jacket, "You want to know where you went wrong?"

Sonia's face shot up at her ex-husband. She eyed him raptly, "What? Where did I go wrong?"

"You _forced_ her to go to that camp. And you just had to let her go without Sara. You know they _can't_ be apart, Son."

"I – I thought the distance would be good for them. And the moms in the neighbourhood kept telling me that that camp was fun and that all their kids enjoyed themselves and made friends there –"

"Son, you know how your neighbours are full of shit. Those moms are fucking pretentious. You should really stop talking to them. Besides, our kids are _different_ from theirs."

"I just – I –" Sonia sighed. She paused and pressed her lips together, "Guess you're right."

"Always am." Stephen whispered to her haughtily.

Sonia rolled her eyes, "I have to go. By the way, what do you have prepared for dinner?"

"I'm just going to have pizza delivered."

Sonia nodded approvingly at her ex-husband and then called out to her daughters, who immediately raced to her. Sara threw her arms around her mother's waist from one side. Tegan followed, taking her place at the other. Sonia giggled, "I'm going to go now. You two be good, okay? I'll see you on Monday."

"Okay, Mom." Sara and Tegan uttered in sync and tightened their grips on their mother.

"Bye, Son. Say hi to your boyfriend for me." Stephen teased his ex-wife, the mockery evident in his tone. He then picked up the duffle bag and swung it over his shoulder.

Sonia shook her head as she entered the car. She had gotten used to Stephen's unchanging penchant for aggravating her that she saw no point in responding to him. Starting the engine, she looked at her daughters and smiled at them. She then turned to her ex-husband, "Good luck with all the dirty clothes in that bag."Sara and Tegan hooted as their father scratched his head. "Bye now." Sonia bid the three and drove off.

"What are you two laughing at?" Stephen glared comically at his daughters, "Don't think you won't be helping me." He began walking towards the entrance of his apartment building.

Sara and Tegan strode side by side, following their father. "What do we get if we help you?"Tegan asked.

"Well… I rented some movies," Stephen pronounced, "And guess what I rented for you two."

The twins looked at each other as they carefully walked up the narrow stairwell. Their father's apartment was located on the fourth floor. "Is it another one of those stupid scary movies? Just like the one you made us watch last time?" Sara probed, feeling genuinely anxious.

Apart from Sonia, Stephen also enjoyed trolling his daughters, usually by introducing them to outlandish – not to mention, pointless – things. Tegan was generally in favour of the way their father handled them. Sara, on the other hand, was the one who worried about his habits often.

"No. I'll clue you two in… It's your favourite. And I think it's been awhile since you last saw it."

Sara and Tegan gave knowing and eager looks to each other; they squealed in chorus, "Phantom of the Paradise!" Stephen turned to them, clearly amused. He beamed jauntily. They finally arrived at the door to his apartment.

"You two are really happy to see each other again, huh?" Stephen asked his daughters as he keyed the knob. Both Sara and Tegan refrained from answering. They glanced at each other, both starting to feel unusually awkward. "You're going to have to help me with the laundry first before you get to watch it."

"Fine," the twins uttered under their breaths and followed their father into his home.

Stephen's apartment sensibly represented the kind of person that he was – strange yet laid-back and composed. Majority of the space was dimly lit and the neutral colour of the walls, as well as the flooring, had significantly worn out. The kitchen, which was also the dining area, was plain and sombre, but tidy; the living room, basically vacuous,merely retained an entertainment system, a huge black leather couch that was placed against the wall, while a glass coffee table sat in front of it and an abstract-looking floor lamp stood right beside it. The apartment also had a den, which contained the materials Stephen utilized for his housing development projects. At the furthest corner of the den was a Stiga hockey table, which his daughters took a liking to, especially whenever he forgot to rent movies or if they ran out of interesting things to do while they were in his apartment.

Sara and Tegan headed to their bedroom, which was situated across the hall from the den. Meanwhile, Stephen went into the kitchen to use the telephone. "Sara, Tegan… Help me with the laundry first," he called out to the twins whilst dialling the number of his favourite pizza joint.

In the small, dusky bedroom, Sara and Tegan seated themselves on the double-sized bed. Stephen called them a second time, but his voice merely wafted into the air, unheard. The girls spent a good ten minutes engrossed in banter, particularly on the older twin's experiences at camp, much to her annoyance. Their father then knocked on the door and summoned them.

While waiting for the pizza to arrive, Stephen and his daughters commenced to doing the laundry. Sara and Tegan unpacked the red duffle bag and loaded the soiled clothes into the wash, whilst their father tended to his own ruffled pile of laundry. After thirty fleeting minutes, the chore was accomplished.

The sky had darkened completely when the pizza arrived, and flashes of lightning began to pester the blackness of the night. Sara and Tegan splayed themselves on the carpet in the living room, each holding a slice of cheese pizza and a can of Coke, whilst Stephen inserted the VHS of their all-time favourite movie into the player. Stephen and the twins gorged their food silently, barely talking; but once the film had run, the three of them watched in amusement.

When the movie had finished, Sara and Tegan cleaned up the clutter at the behest of their father, whilst he headed to his den bringing a tall can of Coors and the cordless phone from the kitchen. Shutting the door of his favourite room, he intended to call Lydia, a woman whom he had recently met and tentatively fancied.

After they tidied up, the twins entered their bedroom. When their door closed, they heard their father call out to them, bidding them goodnight. They changed into their cotton pyjamas; Sara in red and Tegan in purple. The rain had begun to fall heavily, and thunder made its presence known through its increasing volume. From their curtained bedroom window, the appearance of startling white streaks in the black late night sky was visible.

Though thunderstorms usually terrified Tegan, the yearning to fall into a deep slumber managed to make her forget such fear. The fact that she was finally with her twin sister allowed her to feel a sense of security, something that was deficient in the seventy-two hours she spent at summer camp.

"Let's keep this on." Sara said to Tegan as she flicked the switch of the lamp on the bedside table after having shut off the ceiling light. A warm, yellow glow engulfed the twins as they huddled into bed.

"I'm so tired." Tegan whispered with her eyes closed tight. She laid flat on her back; her body sprawled wide, basically taking up most of the space.

Sara positioned herself on her side, facing her sister. She eyed Tegan curiously, "Why didn't you like the camp?"

Tegan's eyes fluttered open; she stared at the ceiling, "I – I really don't want to talk about it."

"Why? Why didn't you make friends, Tee?"

"I don't know."

"I – I don't understand. Didn't you try to be funny? I mean, that's how you make friends. You – you make people laugh."

Tegan turned her head and looked at Sara, "I can't make everyone laugh. Not everyone likes my jokes, SaSa."

"But – But… You're always funny, Tee. Everyone at school likes you and your jokes. That's why you have a lot of friends."

Tegan exhaled and her clear green-speckled brown orbs began to water. She started to remember how immensely awful of an experience summer camp had been for her. From the instant she got on the bus on the first day, where no one – not one kid – wanted to sit next to her; to the moment she saw other kids saying sweet goodbyes to the friends they made on the last day. In her mind, if her twin sister had been able to go with her, she wouldn't have gone through the painful awkwardness of having to make new friends; as well as the deprecation she constantly inflicted on herself because she believed everyone at camp thought she was weird. If Sara had been with her, she would have had the _only_ confidence she needed. Summer camp would have ultimately been bearable for her – enjoyable, even.

"Tee… Don't cry…" Sara hushed to her sister, who had pitifully curled into foetal position with her back turned on Sara. The younger twin reached out and unhesitatingly caressed the older one's back.

Tegan sobbed, "I don't ever want to go camp again. It fucking sucks!"

"Shhh…" Sara moved closer to Tegan, her body a mere inch or two away from her sister's trembling form, "I don't think Mom will let you go again. But if she will, I'm going to force her to let me go too."

"You should have gone with me… It would've been fun if you were there…"

Sara smiled and continued to soothe Tegan with gentle back rubs, "Yeah? I was really bored while you were away."

"You were?" Tegan's whimpering had diminished to endearing sniffles. Sara responded with a nod. The pacifying physical contact Sara was providing Tegan enabled the older twin to completely disregard the unruly reverberations caused by the thunderstorm outside. Relishing the feel of her sister's palm swirling on her back, Tegan began to drift off to sleep.

"But I just don't understand. How come you didn't have fun? Why didn't anyone like you? Why didn't you make friends? Like – Like… Not even one friend?" Sara uttered suddenly, disturbing the peacefulness Tegan had just attained. Aside from wanting to understand why her twin sister – who was one of the most amiable people she knew – had not made a single friend at summer camp, Sara also intended to take away the trauma Tegan was burdened with by persuading her to let all the frustration out.

"Sara! Stop it!" Tegan exclaimed, aggravated by her sister's motor mouth, "I'm trying to forget it all, okay? I really don't feel like talking about it. Please just shut up."

"Alright, alright… Geez…" Sara chuckled. Tegan tried to shut her eyes again, but the absence of her younger sister's calming caresses made her struggle from doing so.

All of a sudden, as if she'd read Tegan's mind, Sara clamped herself against her older sister, closing the gap between them. She slipped an arm underneath her sister's own, hooking it around Tegan's shoulder. Tegan was so bemused by the physical contact that her eyes opened sharply. Sara had never held her that way before. To her, it was strange. But, it was undeniable that she loved every second of it; and that she _needed _and _wanted_ it.

Sara closed her eyes and spooned her sister tighter. She wanted to provide the comfort she knew her sister needed, and like Tegan, she was also happy to finally be in the presence of _home._Sleepily but meaningfully, she mumbled, "Goodnight, Tee. _I love you_."

For the first time in her life, Tegan felt a sensation she had difficulty grasping when she heard the words that came out of her sister's mouth. It was as if fire ignited in her bosom. She felt it grow within her, bursting into sparks that ran through every vein in her body, and then released themselves out of her fingertips and toes. Although she froze in surprise and confusion the instant Sara held her, she eventually felt herself loosen. She smiled, feeling grateful. _I love you too, SaSa. _She expressed how she _truly_ felt for her sister silently. She then allowed sleep to take her.

An invisible veil of innocence swathed the twins as they began to dream. Unbeknownst to them, such innocence was going to be short-lived. _Love_ – one that was uninvited and forbidden but _inescapable_ – had already begun fighting its way into their untainted lives, much like the lightning and thunder outside, disturbing the stillness of the earth.

**2008**

Sara perused the incomplete verses written on the piece of paper she held in her hand. She then took a bite out of her turkey sub. Next to her on the carpeted floor on which she sat cross-legged was her acoustic guitar. Placing her sandwich back on its wrapper on the floor, she looked at Tegan who sat across her, holding her own instrument.

"What?" Tegan asked her sister, whose face had displayed a probing expression as she chewed.

Sara put the piece of paper on the floor and gulped her food, "What's the title?"

"_Prodigy_."

"Why _Prodigy_?"

"I – I just – I…" Tegan paused and broke eye contact with her sister. She smoothed the ends of her mullet that was starting to grow out, "It's – I think it's a good title."

"Tegan, you said this song's about unrequited love," Sara said, confused, "Prodigy pertains to like, "a child wonder." Like Mozart or whatever. The title doesn't fit. It doesn't make sense."

"Actually…" Tegan set her guitar aside and reached for her MacBook that was placed on the desk behind her. Putting it on her lap, she proceeded to look up the definitions of the word 'prodigy'. "_Something wonderful or marvellous_…" Tegan read aloud, looking at her laptop, "That's another meaning. It says it here. Unrequited love is "wonderful and marvellous," therefore – _prodigy_."

Sara scoffed, "Right. Okay."

"What? I'm pretty sure you find the subject just as fascinating as I do. You write about unrequited love too."

"Yeah… But not as much as you do." Sara answered Tegan and took another bite of her sandwich. She then grabbed her own MacBook. Because her inner cynic had insisted, she decided to search for the definitions of 'prodigy', doing it simply for clarification. She was the meticulous twin, after all. It pleased her that "something wonderful or marvellous" was correctly among the meanings of such word. However, she felt the hairs at the back of her neck rise when she sighted another definition. _Something abnormal or monstrous_. She glanced at Tegan, who had stood up. _Unrequited love is wonderful or marvellous. But it can also be abnormal or monstrous_. A sense of anxiety took over her as she pondered. Wanting to distract herself from the unpleasant feeling, she put her MacBook down and continued to eat her lunch.

"Come on," Tegan uttered curtly, going over to the table where a box of French fries and two bottles of pink Gatorade had been set, "You and I both know unrequited love is one of the best things to write songs about."

Sara was surprised at how her sister was still on the subject, "I'm not arguing."

"You make it seem as if writing about unrequited love is stupid though." Tegan said before putting a fry into her mouth.

"What? Uh, I – I never said it was stupid, Tegan."

"That's not what I said you said. I said you make it _seem_ as if it were stupid." The older twin rambled, "I mean… Unrequited love is just beautiful…" She went on, staring blankly at the dark-coloured wall, "It's beautiful, but – but really painful all at once. Especially when – when the love is for – for someone you know you can't have… Someone you'll _never_ have…" Tegan's voice faded into a sigh as her vision shifted to her sister.

Sara quickly avoided the eye contact and got up, "Okay, Romeo," she crumpled the wrapper of her sandwich and walked towards the trash bin. "What do you want me to add to it?" she asked Tegan casually and tossed the litter into the bin.

Tegan suddenly felt despondent, like a raincloud had just appeared out of nowhere above her head, heartlessly pouring misery onto her. She fought the feeling and exhaled, "Work on the bridge. And the verses need some more lyrics as well." At that, Sara nodded and picked up the piece of paper from the floor.

For the rest of the afternoon, Tegan and Sara continued writing songs together. The quiet and glum atmosphere of the dim recording studio conducive to the tasks they were doing. It was their third day in New Orleans, and so far, their creative juices were at a continuous flow, and their collaborative chemistry was surprisingly constant. Though they occasionally argued over lyrical structures, chord progressions, and other technicalities, they managed to get through it all, unscathed – both emotionally and physically. Not like before wherein being put in a room to work peacefully together was flat-out impossible.

Tegan and Sara had just turned 28, meaning it was only two more years until they reached their thirties. Both twins thought it was only sensible that they started getting along. Even though it was Sara who suggested that they endeavour the _experiment_ of writing songs together, Tegan was the one who was completely into it. Her enthusiasm contrasted Sara's occasional lack of interest. But instead of being mad at her sister for being indifferent at times, Tegan chose to be understanding. As the older and more assertive twin, she hoped that her proactive attitude was contagious enough to afflict her younger sister.

Sara had been initially excited about writing songs with Tegan for the first time in their music career. But when Emy, her partner of five years, ended their relationship, heartbreak got the best of her. She was devastated and she felt lost. Emy hadn't just been her lover, after all; she was her bestfriend, her muse – her _everything_.

For Tegan, on the other hand, what Emy had been to Sara, Sara was to her. Sara was _her _everything. It secretly tore her apart that her twin sister – whom she deemed as her one true love – belonged to someone else. But there was nothing she could do about it. They were _twin sisters_ – beings who were conceived in the same womb, and who shared the same blood and flesh. Thus, for years, she held her feelings back, concealing them in every way she could. And one in particular was by having "covers."

But now that Sara no longer belonged to Emy or to anyone, Tegan saw it as an opportunity to finally express the love she had for her sister, which had been kept bottled up for more than half of her life. Besides helping her sister survive the devastation she was in, telling Sara how she truly felt became a crucial objective to Tegan. Though fearful of the repercussions, she was determined to take Emy's place in Sara's life, even if it meant enduring a long period of waiting.

"Hey, T and S!" A large, bald and bearded man with a camera hanging around his neck and a backpack over his shoulders walked into the studio boisterously. It was Ryan, the photographer whom the twins had hired to document the remainder of their week-long stay in New Orleans.

Tegan stopped tweaking the keyboards in front of her and took off her headphones. She looked up, a gummy smile forming on her face, "Ryan! Hey!"

"I'm really sorry I'm late." Ryan said.

Sara eyed him and beamed faintly, "Don't worry about it. How was the trip?"

"_Kinda_ awful, but it's all good. I'm here now. So, you guys want me to just… start shooting away?"

"Actually, we're kind of – um – done for the day. I mean, it's five o'clock. But we thought maybe you could take pictures of us outside." Tegan answered as she stood up.

"Yeah, you could take scenic photographs too. It'd be cool." Sara added, putting her guitar in its case.

"Oh. Sure, sure. The light outside is quite good."

"You can just wait for us outside. We'll take about ten minutes." Tegan instructed the photographer, who was referred to them by none other than her girlfriend, Lindsey. Ryan adhered with a smile and walked out of the room.

The twins readied themselves in silence, packing up their guitars and other belongings. They made sure all the electronics in the studio were shut off, and they tidied the pieces of paper that were strewn on the floor. Walking out of the rented studio with backpacks over their shoulders and guitars in their hands, they met up with Ryan at the entrance of the building.

Tegan, Sara and Ryan strolled around the rustic and picturesque streets of the town, looking for places that made ideal backdrops for the photographs the twins wanted to have taken. The late afternoon was graced with a crisp and gentle breeze, and the powder blue colour of the sky had greyed. Not many people lingered in the area they were in, allowing Sara to soak up the calm of the environment, whilst her sister conversed with their photographer.

She felt a stinging pain in her chest when she suddenly remembered Emy. At that moment, she wished that her ex-wife had been there with them, even if it was only for the purpose of work. But as sudden as the ache appeared, it faded the instant she saw her twin sister giving her a closed-mouth smile that was somewhat reassuring.

For two hours, Ryan photographed Tegan and Sara. He snapped away as they stood in front of antique buildings, near ornamental iron fences, and beneath trees where red, orange and yellow leaves cascaded on their small, awkward figures. Tegan was in her denim jacket, plaid shirt and jeans, whilst Sara donned a black coat, grey t-shirt and dark straight-cut pants. Once Ryan had managed to take numerous decent shots, the twins instructed him to return to the studio the following day and bid him goodbye. They then hailed a cab to take them to the hotel where they were staying.

The journey to the four-star hotel where Tegan and Sara had been staying for the past three days was swift and smooth. When they arrived at their hotel room, they simultaneously cast off their backpacks and guitars onto the floor. It didn't take long for Sara to collapse on her bed. She was exhausted. Tegan looked at her sister, who was lying on her stomach. She frowned and put a hand on her hip, "Hey Sar. What about dinner?"

Sara deliberately refused to answer her sister as she intended to sleep with an empty stomach. Besides being really tired, she simply didn't have the appetite to eat. Tegan sighed and shook her head. She made her way to the kitchen and immediately sighted a box of goldfish crackers and a Mars bar on the granite counter. _Looks like this is dinner for tonight_, she thought and pouted. Even though she craved for a hot meal, Tegan decided to just make do with what was available.

It was three hours later that Sara had managed to awaken from her sleep. She sat up on the bed, squinting. Rubbing her eyes, she realized that her sister was nowhere to be seen in the poorly-lit hotel room. She picked up her mobile phone from the table situated between her bed and Tegan's, hoping to come upon a text message from her sister. But there wasn't one. She eyed the time indicated on her phone. It was eleven o'clock.

Sara stood up and took off her coat that had become creased from being slept in. As she did, her ears picked up on the faint echoes of the plucking of an acoustic guitar and a voice crooning. The resonating sounds originated from the bathroom, and gradually, Sara made out whose voice it was. It was Tegan, singing the song they had cumbersomely talked about earlier that day.

_Tell me what you did right_

_Show me what you would like_

_Using only inside_

_Wishing only I might_

_Say this all in time_

_You are mine and well worth waiting for_

_I'm sleeping here instead of there_

_I know you love me and it's so unfair_

_See there are questions on my mind_

_There are days I want to change your life_

Sara inched closer to the bathroom door. An inexplicable sensation loomed within her upon hearing the way her sister sang the song. Tegan's voice was enveloped with much pain and _longing_, and Sara felt as if a tidal wave had taken place at the pit of her stomach and made its way down to her knees, weakening her stance as she listened. The singing and plucking of the guitar stopped abruptly. Sara then heard Tegan sniffle, and at that, the flustered younger twin hurried towards her bed.

Tegan exited the bathroom holding her guitar. She had changed into a black long-sleeved cotton shirt and green boxers. She was slightly stunned to see Sara sitting upright on her bed, fiddling with her mobile phone. "You're up." Tegan uttered as she positioned her guitar against the wall.

"Yeah…" Sara answered softly. Once the warm, hazy light of the wall lamp hit Tegan's face, Sara instantly knew she had been crying. Her eyes were puffy and the tip of her nose red.

"Are you hungry? There isn't any food left, so just call room service if you want."

"Nah... I'm – I'm fine."

A strained quietness engulfed the room as Sara continued to lock and unlock the screen of her phone, whilst Tegan shuffled towards her own bed. She sat on the edge, her back facing her younger sister. Placing her hands, which began to tremble, in her lap, Tegan bit her bottom lip and felt a perturbing urgency develop within her. _Should I or should I not? _She was conflicted, and it wasn't the first time. _I should. I have to. I want to and I need to_.

"It gets tiring, you know…" The words hurled out of Tegan's mouth even before she could think of repressing them. Her heart thumped, and her stomach knotted. There was no retreating. It was _now or never_.

"What?" Sara asked, her face warping in confusion.

"It gets tiring… Exhausting…"

"Wh–what gets tiring?"

Tegan turned her head slightly. "Pretending… Hiding…" she gulped nervously, "Holding back…"

"Tegan, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Sometimes," the older twin exhaled, "I look at you, and – and I see it. I feel it. I know that you know. I know that – that you feel it too."

Though she appeared to be oblivious to what her sister was trying to tell her, Sara knew _very well_ what Tegan was talking about. This was the _one_ conversation she wanted desperately to avoid _ever_ having. Although Emy meant the world to her, the kind-natured and significantly likeable artist wasn't her _true love_. The person who had her heart _completely _the moment she was brought into the world was the same person whom she shared a womb with, and with whom she was now sharing a dim and untidy hotel room.

"I – I have no idea wh–what you're on about." Sara got up and reached for her coat which she had placed at the foot of her bed. She felt the need to get away. Her heart cried, wanting to release _all_ of the feelings she had suppressed for many years, but she had to run. She was a coward who refused to deal with any type of difficult situation; terrified of the consequences that would come about if she allowed their conversation to go further. "I'm going out for a walk," she said coldly without looking at Tegan.

Tegan quickly hoisted herself up and faced her sister, "Please. Just this time, Sara… Don't leave..."

Sara looked up at her sister, whose eyes implored, tears brimming. She turned away, "Tegan, just – just stop. I can't – I –"

"You know, sometimes, I – I go to the ocean…" Tegan hushed, a lump of misery bulging in her throat, "I go there and just – just try to let it all out… I cry and – and I scream… I pretend that the ocean – the ocean is _you_… That I'm saying everything to you… And most of the time, I wish – I wish that your voice would echo back, telling me the same things… But that never happens... All I hear is nothing, and it – it kills me…"

Sara was speechless upon hearing her sister's profound confession. The fact that Tegan likened her to the magnificent and unsurpassed ocean moved her. She began to feel heat grow in her chest as her sister's rare motor mouth began to breach her stone cold walls of indifference.

"Now that you're here with me…" Tegan continued, "Now that we're alone… Just me and you, not me and the ocean… I just – I need to know…" Her low, raspy voice trailed off.

"What? What do you want to know?"

Tegan gazed at Sara with misty eyes that expressed: _You know what I'm talking about_.

"Tegan... I – I can't… You're my sister, okay? We're – we're sisters!"

"I know…" Tegan said despondently, "And I wish so badly I could change that, but I can't! I – I fucking can't!"

"I'm sorry," Sara uttered as she started to cry. _I wish I could change that fact too._

"No… I'm – _I'm_ sorry... I should've just kept my mouth shut. I'm a fucking idiot."

Sara found herself staring at the mouth that was identical to her own, trembling as it rambled. Her mind went blank as her soul yearned for connection, and her body desperate to be touched. With her judgment and insistent morality no longer holding her back, much to her own surprise, the younger twin suddenly threw herself onto her sister, kissing her for the first time with no shame –_only love_, at its most intense and purest.

Tegan was nothing short of dazed upon feeling Sara's soft, moist lips on her own. Her eyes remained wide open as her sister kissed her, a succulent tongue seeking entrance into her mouth that tasted faintly of chocolate. Sara moaned the instant her tongue came into contact with her sister's, anxiously yet sensually massaging against each other.

Their kiss broke and Tegan couldn't help but whimper in bewilderment, "Sara…"

Sara looked deeply into her twin sister's tearful eyes, savouring Tegan's comforting and sweet taste in her mouth. No longer inhibited, she said the words she had always wanted to say to the person who already had her heart even before she was capable of giving it away, "I need this, Tegan. I want this. _I need you_."

Tegan blinked in disbelief, allowing the rest of her tears to trickle into nothingness. _I finally have you. You're mine_, she mused. She watched as Sara took off her tight grey t-shirt, revealing her slim and sensual figure. The younger twin pushed the older one gently onto the bed, telling her to sit.

Eyeing every impeccable feature on her younger sister's body which she was now being granted full visual access to for the first time since they were toddlers, Tegan felt her centre pulsate and moisten. Sara was just as breath-taking as she had always imagined her to be. Her hazel orbs first engrossed themselves on her sister's graceful neck and collarbone. Then they made their way down to her creamy, silken chest where perfectly-shaped breasts hung. Tegan brought her hands to Sara's smooth and flat abdomen and began to caress the warm skin, making her sister's own core tingle from the physical contact. "You're so beautiful," Tegan whispered, her heartbeat intensifying.

Sara gave a faint smile to her clearly smitten older sister. "Unhook me," she spurred before diving in for another heated, wet kiss. Tegan slowly reached behind Sara's back, her fingers feeling for the clasp of her sister's black brassiere, all the while relishing the lusciousness of Sara's mouth. Once the bra was unhooked, Sara disposed of it, breaking their kiss. She mounted herself onto Tegan, allowing the saturated area in between her thighs to come into contact with her sister's crotch. Pushing her sister's face against her bare bosom, Sara hummed.

Tegan wrapped her arms around her sister and took in the heavenly scent and warmth of Sara's skin, burying her face in between soft, round breasts that ached for her mouth. Without reluctance, Tegan licked her lips and moved them towards the berry-like nipples stiffening before her. "You're perfect, Sara," she said, looking her sister in the eye; her lips grazed the hardened, pink flesh, "So perfect…"

"I'm not…" Sara answered before letting out a yelp when she felt Tegan tongue her nipple rapidly. She started grinding against her sister, hard, "I'm not perfect, Tegan. I'm – I'm – My god…" The gluttonous licking and sucking Tegan was giving her was simply too much to take.

"You are. You're everything I want, Sara… Everything I could ever ask for…"

"Fuck, Tegan. Just take me…" Sara pronounced through ragged breaths and stood up. She slipped out of her pants, as well as her black underwear. Tegan caught a glimpse of the creamed patch on her sister's underwear as it fell to the floor, fuelling her desire to _take_ Sara further. "Let me see you," the younger twin requested keenly as she made her way onto the bed and knelt.

Tegan got up and without hesitating, shed her own clothing, allowing Sara to behold her own bare and tattooed figure. Though Tegan's body exuded strength, seamlessly contrasting Sara's fragility, her form was basically just as impeccable as that of her identical counterpart. Sara felt her core ache even more at the sight of Tegan's round, perky breasts gleaming under the yellow light. "You're beautiful, Tegan…" she gasped, making her older sister beam coyly.

The twins found themselves lost and fully immersed in the magic of the moment – an occurrence they both had never anticipated to be possible. They finally appreciated one another; thankful that they were now fully exposed, fearless, in each other's presence. And about to consummate the love which they had long shared, though in secret, was very powerful.

Sara lied on her back, and Tegan positioned herself on top of her sister, enabling their full breasts, protruding hipbones and supple limbs to touch. They wasted no time as their mouths found one another again, exchanging feverish hums and moans. Tegan gently pulled away from the kiss and lowered her hand to her younger sister's throbbing centre. Slowly gliding a finger along Sara's sodden slit, Tegan asked for permission, "Can I… taste you?"

Sara whimpered at the touch and nodded. At that, the older twin eagerly descended and situated herself in between her sister's unfurled legs. Once she faced Sara's trimmed, pink sex, she took in its rousing and delicious tang. Softly, Tegan ran the tip of her tongue up and down her sister's opening, collecting and swallowing the opulent wet as she went along. Her slow, careful strokes then progressed into swift, insatiable licks and sucks as she relished Sara's sweetness.

"F–fuck… Oh my god… Don't – don't stop." Sara groaned and watched her older sister's head bob in between her thighs, tongue lapping relentlessly at her deluged hole and aching bud. She arched her back whilst roughly tugging on Tegan's lush dark brown tresses, amazed at the incomparable pleasure she was receiving.

Wanting to explore _deeper_, Tegan gave her sister's soaked, gaping flesh a final stroke with her tongue and propped herself up. She straddled Sara, who observed her as she put three of her nimble fingers into her mouth. Looking at her younger sister, eyes filled with both _love_ and _lust_, Tegan rasped, "Do you want me inside you, Sara?"

"Yes..." the younger twin urged, "I want you inside me, _Baby_…"

The older twin's golden irises twinkled in awe and her heart melted. "What did you call me?" Tegan asked in a voice so besotted. Her digits began to lithely trace the light crimson folds that yearned for her.

"Please… _Baby_…"

"Are you _mine_, Sara?" Tegan anticipated the answer whilst her fingers gently inched into her sister. "I need to know… Do you belong to me now?"

Clear fluid formed at the corner of Sara's eyes as she clinched Tegan's digits, sucking her in. With tears running down her flushed face, she whispered _truth_, "I've _always_ been yours."

"_I love you, Sara_." Tegan pronounced, crying with her sister as she started to plow her deep and at the right pace. She loved how Sara _felt_ – tight, warm and just perfect.

Sara hummed and screeched irresistibly at the sensation of her older sister pounding her core. She revelled in the pleasure, but she couldn't help wonder how Tegan _felt_ and what it was like to be inside her, too. Undaunted, Sara reached in between thighs spread before her and dexterously entered Tegan's dripping and swollen sex with three of her own fingers.

"Fuck!" the older twin cried.

The sisters plowed each other, their loud cries and moans overpowering the squelching sounds coming from wet centres being rammed fast, hard and _in sync_. It wasn't long before they sensed their orgasms rise within them. As midnight struck, Tegan and Sara screamed in chorus, coming together and shuddering against each other – body to body, skin to skin. Withdrawing their drenched fingers, their fluids ran abundantly onto the white sheets splayed beneath them, becoming one blend. They panted and mouthed profanities, in awe of the unparalleled, _taboo_ ecstasy they had just shared.

Tegan dismounted herself off of her sister and collapsed right beside her. She was tired and spent, yet a newfound happiness radiated from her being. It was also the same for Sara. She continued to tremble slightly next to her older sister, exhausted but content. An endearing smile formed on Tegan's face as she felt serenity engulf them.

Sara watched as Tegan turned to face her. The twins gazed at each other, their hazel orbs glossed with both love and _fear_. Slowly, the younger twin draped an arm over the older one's clammy form. With every ounce of truth and honesty in her being, Sara uttered the words she had expressed to Tegan long ago, when a veil of innocence still surrounded them. Only this time, the words held a _completely different_ meaning.

"_I love you, Tegan._"


End file.
